So, you were only able to find my diary with my help. Oh well. Nice try.
I'm really nervous about today. Although right now, It feels a bit surreal. I hope I don't chicken out. That would really suck.
I guess I should fess up to what I'm talking about. Today is the day I will lose my virginity. It seems a bit odd to me that we have arranged a date and time to have sex. I always thought that I would be with someone and it would just happen automatically because the moment was right. All the planets were aligned and shit like that. You know, dorky romantic shit. I guess arranging a time and date makes the situation less, I don't know, romantic or less involved? For good reason. I don't want to become attached and since the situation will be more planned out, the less emotion goes into it, I guess. The less emotionally involved I'll be, maybe.
Anyways, I think I may need a few courage shots of rum to ease my nerves for when the time gets closer and closer. I'm utterly scared. I think I'm most scared of opening myself to another person. Sex is an intimate act that has some vulnerability in it. Only myself and God, if there is one, has seen me naked. As you know, I'm very insecure about my body image and have low self esteem. I can't seem to get over these mental blocks. Yet, I find that with every little physical act I've done, thus far, I've managed to slowly break down those thoughts. Of course it's hard, but I don't expect to automatically believe the best of myself.
Also, allowing another person to get this close to me is another scary issue. There's a bit of trust that goes into what we'll be doing. The worst thing that anyone can do to a person is break their trust. Especially if that person has experienced broken trust many times before. Anyways, enough of the drama. I really hope I don't start my period today. It seems that I've been spotty the past several days and it sucks.
Pretty soon I will be taking a shower so that I can be nice and fresh and have all my naughty bits shaved. tee hee hee. I'll definitely add another entry afterwards.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I say no...then I tremble with your touch.
I scream why...then I weaken with your kiss.
Your scent intoxicates me.
Your lips immobilize me.
The thought of you tortures me.
With or without you, I am a slave to your love.
~Author Unknown
11:47 a.m. - 2003-09-29
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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