Well, he called me today around 5:30, drunk. Wish I were there to take advantage of it, but it seems that monday was most likely the one and only time we will have had sex. I wish it weren't so, but it seems likely. Have you ever experienced something for the first time, you've had your first taste, and then it gets taken away from you and you're told you can't have it ever again? Well, that's kind of how I feel. Sure, I can have sex with other people, but he was really good.
He asked me if I had a list of men that I wanted to fuck and I told him that I didn't. To which he replied, "Why not? What about Ron?" You know, I've told him many times before that I don't like Ron that way and he still brings him up. I don't understand why he does that. Anyways, I pretty much told him that just because I lost my virginity that doesn't make me a slut. It definitely didn't change my character and personality. I wasn't sure if it would, but it didn't. I'm the same person I've always been. I'm still shy and timid.
I'm still a bit insecure, but not as much. I feel that I could have sex with him forever. It was soo much fun. It's hard for me to just choose someone and say, "hey, wanna fuck?" I can't just let anyone get that close to me casually. Does any of this shit make sense? I don't know. I liked the sex we had and I definitely want to have more of it, but not with a random person. I want to LIKE the person so that if it does get to that point, we can choose to have sex all the time. If I choose a random person to have sex with and find out later that they're a jerk or are incompatible with me, I would have given him a piece of me that he didn't deserve.
Anyways, he said he'd call me tonight, but I seriously doubt he will. For some weird reason I think he's acting weird even though he says he isn't. He said he read my previous post and brought up the part about how I thought he regreted it and felt guilty. He said he didn't and I do believe him. Sometimes when you're drunk, the truth actually does come out. heh! Anyways, maybe it's too soon to tell, but I think he's changing the game. Meaning, our friendship may be different. I want it to be the same as it was but with added benefits.
I'm probably over analyzing things. It's too soon to tell anything. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. Plus, as he says, I'm a girl and we talk crazy! lol. Oh, he also told me that SHE says that she calls me and I never call her back which is not true. I may not call back immediately, but that's inevitable. She also told him that I complain about her talking about herself all the time. Okay, first of all, she told me that she knows she's selfish and bitchy. She does talk about herself all the time because I always listen and have nothing interesting to say. I do mention to her sometimes that she talks about herself, but always jokingly. I never knew she had a problem with that until he told me. She always seems to be different to me, say certain things to me and then turns around and says how she truly feels to him.
Why can't people be honest? Why is it difficult to be honest? Sure, there are different levels of honesty. I wouldn't want to tell a person something that would hurt them terribly. But in regards to feelings and thoughts concerning friends, I think one should be honest. For example, I think that sometimes she talks down to me and I don't appreciate it. If I have ever done something to bother or annoy her, I wish she would tell me so that we could fix it and get over it. I'm all for getting things over and done with.
When my sister and I would have enormous fights, we'd resolve it that day or the next. We'd never let our anger make us hold grudges. It takes too much energy to be pissed off all the time. After a fight, we'd tell each other how we felt about whatever it was that was bothering us and we'd work it out. I guess that since we've always done that, I've come to expect it. I don't hold grudges and I think honesty is important. Just tell me how you truly feel. If I'm pissed at you, I will tell you why sooner or later.
Why did you let me go off on a tangent? lol. oh well. I guess I can talk lengthy on some things.
Anyway, I had an astronomy test today and I know I failed it. I guessed and marked alot of B's. lol. I got back a paper I wrote and saw that I made a 6/10 on it. That's bad! Oops! I also turned in a homework assignment today that is a week late. eep! I turned in another paper today and I just know I'll get an F on that, too. Oh fucking well. I hate that class. Oh yeah, I also didn't turn in the homework that was due today!
FUCK ASTRONOMY! I HATE THAT FUCKING CLASS AND I WANT TO FUCKING DROP IT BUT IT SEEMS THAT I'LL JUST NEED TO GET MY FUCKING ASS IN GEAR AND PASS THE FUCKING CLASS!
I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I
FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING
HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
ASTRONOMY ASTRONOMY ASTRONOMY
Whew! I needed to do that.
Fuck, I need to stop. This entry is as long as a fucking novel... FUCK! ARGH! must drink rum.....rum makes everything better....mmmmmmm....slurp!
10:31 p.m. - 2003-10-01
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