Well, I tried calling her twice today and she hasn't called me back. I don't know why I'm trying. I need to step away from the both of them.
I hate that I let myself get hurt. I knew the consequences and I did it anyways. I did fall for him. I have to admit it. I liked the affection, flirtation and everything about him. He's funny, flirty, smart, shy, sexy, compassionate, and so many things. I thought he was perfect for me. Except, he doesn't like or love me and he's married.
I cried over him. I'm depressed and sad over him. Over what I can't have. Over the loss of what experiences we shared. Why does it hurt soo much? I feel alone. I have no one to talk to who can be here for me. I am alone. I'm afraid to talk to my sister about what I've done. She won't understand and all I'll get from her is a lecture which I don't need right now.
Carla is my one true loyal best friend. I can count on her but the fucking time difference makes it hard for us to talk. She's at work and I'm here all alone with my thoughts and pain. I feel like dying. Anything to take the pain away. I wish I were anywhere but here. I wish I were in california so that I can have the support group that I need now.
I can care less about school, work, or life. I just want this to end. I don't want to think about him anymore. I didn't want to bring any of my feelings to the surface because I wanted to fool myself into thinking that I would be satisfied with our secret friendship. I was fooling myself into thinking that I didn't mind waiting for him to decide whether or not he wanted to come over. I would just be ready. Anything to share his company, anything to talk to him on the phone or have him email me. I would have done anything.
But, that's not how it should be. I should have someone who truly cares for me. Who thinks about me and wants to call and talk to me. I want someone who can be affectionate with me and not indifferent. I don't know what's worse, being hated or having someone be indifferent towards you.
Carla just called. I love her so much. I just want to go home. I want to go home so bad but she won't let me because I have school. She want's me to finish first. I just don't care. I'm not doing well at all anyway. She seems to think I'll get over this in awhile. I wonder if this is worse for me because he was my first.
Ron just called too. He's such a good friend. He pretty much told me that he'd come see me at school during my 10 min break between class and lab. Also, he's going to wait for me to finish lab and he's invited me over to his apartment to watch Eddie Izzard. I'm glad that I have him as a friend.
But, I really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever. I want to go home. I wish I could talk to my mom about this but I just don't want to hear it. Well, I'm gonna go and get ready for school. Maybe now that I don't have my life scheduled around when he'll call or when he'll be online or when I can call him, I can focus more. I really didn't want to admit to all of this, but I need to.
I will always remember you BenMW, as the man I lost my virginity to. The experience was wonderful. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget how wonderful you made me feel just by paying attention to me. You made me feel comfortable to be in my own skin. I don't know if alot of people will understand what a big statement that is for me to make. The week after however, well it sucked and I'll never forget that either. I guess there is truth to yin and yang. Basically, the bad goes along with the good. Both are balanced and equal. You always experience both for every situation you come across.
I hope you find a job and that all will work out for you. As much as I should hate you, I don't. Hell, I blame both of us for what happened. But anyway, good luck to you and Kelly.
I wish I could be more spiteful. My eyes are red and dry now, but I know I'll be crying again later. Maybe then, I can be spiteful, hateful or indifferent. We'll see if it's in me.
Anyway, life is like a box of chocolates...
4:31 p.m. - 2003-10-06
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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