I don't know how I made it through Astronomy class last night. I was tired and my eyes hurt from crying. My friend Ron waited for me outside my class and just listened to me talk. After the 10 min break, he waited again for me to finish my lab which was an 1 1/2 long. I'm rather shocked to know that he's so concerned for me. After class all I wanted to do was go home and cry myself to sleep, but he wouldn't allow it. He dragged me to his apartment to watch Eddie Izzard.
Little did he know, Eddie Izzard reminds me of the time Ben and I first made out in my room. So many things remind me of him. I feel tortured by my memories and thoughts. I wish I could just turn my brain off. I emailed him today. I don't know if it was the smartest thing to do, but I did it. I also emailed him yesterday for which he didn't respond. I guess I'm not suprised. I had to email him today to see if we could at least be civil friends towards each other.
I seem to think that if I knew he didn't hate me or didn't think badly of me, I wouldn't feel so tortured. The kind of friendship I guess I want out of him is definitely not what we had. I don't think I could take that, but the kind of friendship where we emailed every once and awhile to just update each other or just to talk to someone who is outside of our social circle. I don't know if that's feasible, but I had to try. Maybe I'm doing this to just have something to hold on to and be comforted by it. I really don't know. Maybe I just can't stand knowing that he may think ill towards me.
Does this make any sense? Does anyone know what I'm going through? What I'm feeling? I can't sleep. I cried myself to sleep last night. I tossed and turned all night. I woke up every few hours. I woke up at 7:30 this morning because I couldn't stand tossing and turning anymore. I got into the shower and just stood under the warm water. I went into my room and cried again. That's when I decided to email him. I cried during the email. I sound so pathetic and I bet he's wondering where the fuck all this emotion is coming from.
I bet he's suprised to know that I feel this much or that I'm neurotic.
I sometimes think that he just sees things as yes or no or black or white. No grey area's. He told me he couldn't be affectionate towards me and I wonder if he's like that towards everyone. He's self sufficient and is satisfied to be by himself, alone. He told me that he wants to make everyone happy. Yet, he hurt me. Yes, I let it happen, but he could have been more considerate maybe to me afterwards. He could have let me down easier. He could have been more open with what he wanted from me and our secret friendship.
I guess I didn't like the fact that I had to wait for him to decide when he wanted me again. The waiting part is what killed me. I wanted to schedule more "meetings" and he didn't want to talk about it. He just didn't know. "I don't know doesn't mean yes and it doesn't mean no." That's what he told me yesterday. He let me believe that he was using me. He told me that just because he didn't say anything to me doesn't mean that I should assume anything. But, isn't that all you can do when the other person isn't willing to fill you in on what they're thinking?
He told me that I was pressuring him and immediately told me that he didn't want to meet with me. I guess I did pressure him, but I needed to know. I didn't like being left in the dark waiting for him to make a decision that involved me.
Everything that happened this past week might have been fate telling me to remain alone and that trying to find someone is perilous.
I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm rambling and I'm emotional. People tend to say the weirdest things when they're feeling extremely sad.
Do you even understand what I'm going through? How I feel? What we had was a type of courtship. We met, flirted, went out to the movies, we also went out to eat, we drove around aimlessly talking and flirting, we talked for hours on the phone almost every night, we emailed each other, we have things in common that we like to do, we made out, we snuck around and we finally made love to each other. All of this happened within the past 5-6 months. Plus, I have known you longer than the time of our flirtation together. Do you see why this is hard for me?
Do you now understand why I hurt? You were my first. This will stay with me forever. You had the power to let me down gently, yet you didn't. How is that helping someone? Look back on the events of last week, day by day, and you will understand what I'm going through.
Monday = we meet and I have the most wonderful experience ever. You said you would call me the next day.
Tuesday = No call. No email. He's surely not avoiding me, is he? 11:55pm, I call and he answers. He's upset that I called because he's in his bedroom where she's sleeping and she might have heard his phone go off. I'm drunk and am unaware of how upset he is. I talk about the night before and how much fun I had and that I wanted a repeat performance the next day. He abruptly ends the conversation with, "why don't you think about that and I'll call you tomorrow." The conversation lasted 5 minutes.
Wednesday = No email. No call, but wait, 5:20pm he calls drunk. Some small talk at first. Then he told me he couldn't get away from kelly and that he doesn't think we can see a movie together tonight or see each other. He can't call me as well.
Thursday = No email. No call.
Friday = No email. We talked briefly on the phone.
Saturday = No call. Finally an email. I've already sent him several. He tells me that he got fired from his job. Is he lying and telling me this so that he doesn't have to tell me that he doesn't want to see me after work anymore? I don't know.
Sunday = No email. But, we chat online. I want to console him but I can't. We talked a little about what happened at Sprint. He finally tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. We talk about pointless things. I mention that I want to "meet" up with him next monday and what he thought. To which he replied "he doesn't know." How would you feel if you heard that after this past week? He definitely doesn't want anything to do with me. That's why I got a little upset and he asked me not to be like that. How should I have reacted? Tell me?
Monday = No email. It has been one week since I lost my virginity to Ben. We talked on the phone and I tried to help him find job listings. I still care about him even though I'm touchy about our situation.
Damn. I have to get ready for school, I'll finish this later.
Okay, I'm back.
I pretty much asked if we would still carry on the way we are. Meeting when we can to have sex and emailing each other online, maybe talking on the phone when his wife isn't home. He replied that he didn't know. I don't know how to accept that type of answer. I wanted to know what was it that was hindering his immediate decision. I guess I understand that he has problems with cheating on his wife. Plus the fact that I got attached didn't help matters at all.
Now that I think about it, I was probably overwhelming him and pressuring him to decide. He was indifferent and I told him that he was and he agreed with my statement. It hurt me to hear him say that he felt indifferent towards me. That's when I told him that it would be easier for me to stop if he were mean to me. Yet, he told me that he isn't that type of person and he really isn't. I told him that he wasn't making things easy for me. So he said, "fine. I hate you. don't ever call me, email me, just erase me from your memory." Something like that. He said it jokingly, yet I still got hurt by it. I started to get choked up and he asked if I was okay and I replied yes because no one ever likes to admit that they were affected by the other person's statement.
I told him fine and said goodbye and hung up the phone. That's when I sat back and told myself to call him back and apologize for how I reacted and that I would take everything I said back. All because I didn't want to lose his friendship. I didn't want to lose our talks, what little emails he sent, etc. I didn't want to lose him. Yet, I needed to step back.
I feel like I'm on repeat. I'm saying the same shit over and over again. I'm tired. My eyes are puffy and I need to sleep. I really didn't get any last night. I barely ate today. Anyway.
9:51 a.m. - 2003-10-07
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
iceelement