Good news. I didn't cry myself to sleep last night. It was touch and go, but I was soo tired that I just fell asleep as soon as my head touched my pillow. However, I couldn't sleep again last night and ended up waking before my alarm sounded. The first thing I did was wait for my cousin to take a shower so I could check my email.
I know, I know, it's something I need to work on. BTW, class starts in 6 minutes, do you think I'll make it in time? lol.
Anyway, I did get an email from him. This is what it said:
This is what heartbreak feels like. I've been through it before. I didn't intend for you to get hurt in this relationship. I tried to explain how it would be. You assured me you would not get attached. I asked time and time again and you kept telling me you had it under control. I should have known better I suppose.
Now that it has come to this what is to be done? I know you can't just turn off your emotions and forget what happened but you can't feel sad forever. I know you think I'm treating you bad but please understand my side of the story. We had an arrangement that you would not be attached. When you started showing signs that you were stepping outside of that arrangement my instinct was to pull away. I don't think it is an unreasonable reaction. This doesn't mean that you are at fault because I know that you cannot control your emotions. People just feel the way they do and it's not always logical.
We can try to still be friends but I think you need to cool off first. You need to come to the conclusion that you as an individual are more important than any relationship that you will ever be in. You are a complete person all by yourself. More often than not if you get in a relationship it will eventually fail and if it does you need to understand that your life goes on. There will always be more opportunities to get it right. If you want the good times you have to learn to make it through the bad ones. I know you can do it.
I hope this message helps more than it hurts. Let me know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is what I wrote back:
Ben,
Thank you. What you said makes complete sense. It is hard for me right now. I never intended to get attached. I did assure you time and time again that I had it under control because I wanted to hold onto what little I had. Who conciously decides to get hurt? No one. In some small way, I hoped that you would come to like me the way I liked you. I don't know if you've felt the way I specifically do. Liking someone who doesn't like you in return.
I can't just turn off my emotions, but hearing from you definitely helps me. The past couple of days, I've been blinded by my sadness. We had everything out on the table. I knew what the situation was and I couldn't handle it. I understand that your instinct was to pull away, but I guess I just needed you to talk to me when you saw those signs. Pulling away and ignoring me really hurt me.
I definitely want to continue being friends, and as you said, I definitely need to cool off first. I will need to keep your advice in mind. I definitely do not want to end up being the type of woman who's life revolves around their partners life, forgetting who they are because they're so consumed by him. You are correct when you say that I am complete person all by myself and that I need to learn that I as an individual will be more important than any relationship that I will ever be in. These are things that I need to always keep in mind. Having you as a friend will help me. Sometimes you need someone to remind you of the things you've forgotten or do not want to see. Having your support and friendship means alot to me.
This must be hard for you. You definitely didn't bargain for this and I'm sorry. Even though your instinct was to pull away, being the kind hearted person that you are, still managed to give me good advice and offer to keep in touch with me. Not alot of people would do that, I imagine. Stay in touch with a girl who became attached to you. I imagine you'd prefer that I disappear from your life completely. However, I am extremely grateful to you for your understanding and offer of friendship.
I'm slowly getting over this. Slowly. I miss talking to you, but it helps to have Carla to talk to. It also helps that my co-workers are trying to make me feel better. Although, this email helps more than they could have helped me. I just wish I had the ability to detach my emotions from our arrangement. At this point in my life, it just isn't possible. I went from being a virgin, whose never experienced any type of relationship, to being a woman on the side. That is a pretty giant transition. Maybe if I'd had a few relationships under my belt, I would have been better able to deal with the arrangement we had. Who knows. Maybe I would have fallen for you regardless of what experiences I had.
Anyway, it seems that I've been writing so much lately. Thanks for having enormous amounts understanding.
Your Friend,
Shelia
PS - One day I'll kick your ass at CS. You'll see! lol
10:04 a.m. - 2003-10-08
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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