Yesterday was an interesting day. I ended up telling my mother what happened. She cried as I cried. She supported me yet told me that I was sinning and that I needed to go to church to confess my sins. My family is catholic, I am not. I was never baptised into that religion, however, I was raised catholic. Anyway, I told her that I had to work on Sunday and I couldn't go, as if I would go. She told me to pray, which I didn't, and she said she would pray for me. She even asked me not to hurt myself because if I did, she wouldn't be able to live w/out me and would in turn hurt herself as well.
I couldn't believe she thought that I was so weak a person that I would resort to suicide. I mean sure, the day it all happened, I thought about it, but would never do it. I feel much better now. I don't think about it as much. But, I'm still in the healing process. I wonder if healing is just allowing time to pass to where you don't think of your pain anymore. Or that when you recount what happened, you don't feel hurt anymore. Who knows.
After my mother hung up, the phone rang immediately after and it was my friend ronnie, who I met at my old job with the Bombay Company. Anyway, I was still crying and she heard it in my voice. I asked her if she was free for lunch, which she was, and so I immediately went over and cried some more. I told her everything. She is a religious person as well and pretty much was upfront about how she felt of the whole situation. I guess what people tend to forget is that it was an arrangement.
I like my friends support, but can't stand that they immediately put the entire blame on ben for taking advantage of me. They don't hear me when I say it was an arrangement and that I let myself get hurt. Sure, it's a two way street, but it's my fault as well. Anyway, she told me that I was a bad friend to Kelly, even though she doesn't like her, and that what I did was wrong and that I knew it and still went ahead with it. After spending a few hours with her, I really needed to break away from her. I just didn't want to hear her lectures.
I guess I just want support and understanding.
Anyway, Last night around 10:55pm, I got a call from their home phone line. I wasn't sure who was calling, and I wasn't sure if I should even answer the phone. I had made up my mind that I wasn't going to speak to either of them at all. Isn't it amazing that whenever I decide to not talk to them, one of them calls?? Do you remember a entry I made awhile back stating the same thing? I wasn't going to call him and he calls me that same day. WTF, right?!
Anyway, I decide to answer the phone. It's her. FUCK! She doesn't sound her normal self and has a serious tone to her voice. She pretty much said that we should get together this weekend. I told her that I couldn't because I had to work, which is true, and that my mother was coming up from Houston, which was a huge lie. I knew what was coming. She then asked if we could hang out on friday. I told her that I had to make up a lab for my astro class because I'm falling behind. I am falling behind, but we can't make up labs. Another lie. I soo do not want to see her. I totally know what she's going to bring up. I wanted to ask her right then and there to just tell me what's on her mind.
Specifically, she was going to talk to me about how uncomfortable she feels knowing that I talk to Ben more than I do with her. She knows that I know that Ben told me that she no longer wanted him to be my friend. It was a very uncomfortable conversation that I believe lasted 2 minutes. She told me a little bit about school and said that she had to go because she was going to bed.
After the call, I immediately called Carla to tell her what happened. She told me to not go, I'm not that stupid, and she said to just not talk to them anymore. I completely agreed with that suggestion. THEN, THEN...
I get an IM from Ben. I'm staring at it, staring at it, wondering if I should even reply. His message said, "So, kelly actually talked to you?" Carla told me not to do it, but I had to confirm my suspisions about kelly's call. So I asked if she had ulterior motives to seeing me friday. He confirmed that she wanted to talk to me about what I had thought she wanted to talk about.
Why do I have soo much drama in my life right now?? Anyway, I told Carla that this would be our last chat. I needed to get some things off my chest and I guess I needed to know some things as well. He believes that I should get over it already. That I knew what the agreement was and that it's all water under the bridge. To just let go of all the bad feelings. That is soo much easier said than done. He didn't fall for me, I fell for him. I didn't intend for it to happen, it just did.
I had secretly hoped that maybe he would see that I'm this great woman that he never knew he was looking for and that he would leave her for me as he did with his first wife with her. But, he told me straight out that he loves his wife and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. I heard him exclaim his love for her and asked him how he could take such a huge risk like this? He said he trusted her not to find out. I asked him why he did this to her and he replied that he's just human.
He was also concerned that I would tell Kelly about our relationship because of all the crap I was feeling and going through. I told him that I'm not a hateful, vindictive, conniving person and that the last thing I would ever want to do is ruin his life. He told me that he thought I would say that but needed to hear it. I just can't be spiteful no matter how bad things are going for me. I can think bad thoughts, but that would be the extent of it.
Anyway, we ended up talking about other things like CS, demons, witchcraft, psychic abilities, the BFB server, things that weren't touchy for me. He mentioned kelly's name and I asked him if he wouldn't talk about her when talking with me. He paused and said, well I live with her. I in turn said that I guess that wasn't being productive (to my healing process because after talking like we did, I started to miss him again).
Well, after talking on the phone for 2hrs, he had to go. I told him that even though I was feeling better after our conversation, I still wouldn't be able to email him or talk to him for awhile. A long while. I don't even think it would be wise to talk to him at all, but I guess we'll see. He just asked that we not be enemies, I believe it's because he didn't want me to ruin his life or maybe he truly wishes to remain friends.
The day goes by too fast. It's already time for me to get ready for work and I don't want to go. I hate working. I hate making coffee, I hate the snobby customers we get and I just hate my job!
2:33 p.m. - 2003-10-09
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
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