I went to work yesterday with the feeling that Jesse would back out of going to see a movie with me. What do you know, I was right. I told him that I knew he was going to back out, I just knew it (psychic hotlines are good for something!).
He proceeded to tell me that his girlfriend didn't approve of him going out with a girl to see a movie. I understood that and I didn't have a problem with that. BUT, the next words out of his mouth pissed me off.
He then said that given my past history with men who are in committed relationships and the fact that the last time he went out with a friend who happened to be female, she mistook his gentlemanly behaviour as attraction towards her, causing her to believe she was in love with him.
I just couldn't believe what he was saying to me. WTF! First of all, he didn't need to throw what I did with Ben back in my face. That situation was completely different. Second, I may flirt with Jesse tremendously, but I know that it's just that, flirting. I am attracted to him on some level, but nothing will ever happen. I don't sit at home thinking about jesse. Once I leave work, I hate to be mean and say this, but I don't give him another thought. I only mess with him at work. I love making him uncomfortable. I know that's wicked, but I like it.
I also can't believe that he would think that I'm stupid to the point that I would mistake common courtesy, his example was opening doors and being gentlemanly, for affection. I think I can tell the difference. This pretty much told me that we couldn't be friends outside of work. I was completely stunned when he said these things to me. I told him that I didn't even want to hear anything else he had to say.
Throughout the course of our shift, he tried to talk to me. He asked if he could speak with me and I said no and that I was busy. He left it at that. But, then he tried again and I told him that I understood where he was coming from, about the girlfriend thing, but he should have left it at that and not insulted me and belittled me.
I told him how I felt and I found out more information. He should really keep his mouth shut. I found out that Spencer told his girlfriend about me and what I did with Ben before Jesse even had a chance to. I don't know what the fuck is going on with Spencer and why he felt it was his duty to tell her and not her boyfriend. Second, Jesse confirmed the "can't be friends out side of work thing." I couldn't believe it. I asked him what would happen if we were to freakishly see each other outside of work, I can't say hi? and he said yeah. I was mad. So, pretty much, I'm not good enough to be friends with him outside of work.
I was flabbergasted. How would you react to this situation? Being told your a homewrecker, I can't hang out with you, and don't talk to me outside of work. I was hurt!!! I thought we were friends, good friends, but I guess I was wrong. I told him that I didn't know how to react to this information and that I didn't know how I should act towards him when we are at work. He said I should be normal towards him, but how can I?? I told him that that would be impossible. I can't pretend to be friends with someone who thinks of me this way. I just can't.
I am extremely hurt and pissed off. I told him that I couldn't wait to go home so I didn't have to deal with this shit. He just stood there and said, "I don't know what to say to that."
It seems that my answer for getting hurt is to run away and try to forget about it. But, I did make up my mind to leave before this little incident, so it's just extremely convenient timing. What is so wrong with me that people who I think are friends either ignore me or think less of me? At least I found out about how jesse felt about me before I invested more into the friendship. I wish Ben would just tell me that we shouldn't be friends anymore instead of ignoring me. I think I would be less hurt that way. But, I guess I can't always get what I want and I'll just have to deal with whatever happens.
life sucks and then it sucks more when you play against fucking hackers on CS. ASSHOLES!!!
1:18 p.m. - 2003-11-26
Recent entries:
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