I talked to Ben for three hours this morning and I fucked up my chance to have sex with him. I pretty much told him that the one time we had sex I was disappointed that he didn't go down on me long enough. I told him that it felt good and when he stopped, I didn't want him to. He told me that he got the vibe or some sort of signal that I wanted him to stop and start fucking me. If I did, I don't remember. I asked him to tell me what signal I gave so that I didn't do it again and he couldn't tell me. I told him that I thought that he was impatient or eager to fuck me. I also told him that I told my best friend Carla that I was disappointed it didn't last long.
He then got pissed because I said that. He thought I was telling him that he sucked. He totally turned what I said around. Maybe because he was drunk, he couldn't really understand what I was saying. Or maybe he's just the type of person that doesn't want to hear any input about his sexual performance. I tried to tell him that I fucking enjoyed every second of it and that it was soo good that I want to fuck him again. He just can't get over the fact that I said "disappointed." I tried again and again to tell him I wasn't disappointed in his performance because it was fucking amazing. It just would have been nice to have him down there a bit longer.
Ben also has a talent for "skirting" around issues he doesn't want to either talk about or decide upon. This happened last time. Last time, I wanted to know when we would be able to get together for sex and he danced around the issue and wouldn't give me an answer. This is frustrating. I think that any other person would continue to ask. Maybe I'm just persistant and want to get what I want, which is his cock in my pussy! LOL. sorry to be so vulgar. *cough*
Last night, he danced around the issue of us getting together on Wednesday to fuck or just to have a drink together. Sex would be nice, but his company is what matters. He told me that I was being manipulative and that he felt pressure from me. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
Why is this so difficult? I want sex and he wants sex, so whats the problem? Okay, so I'm trying to overlook the wife thing. Sure, he has to figure out a way to get out of the house that's not suspicious or wouldn't cause her to want to go with him. He did mention guilt and I understand that. I told him that I didn't want him to do anything he didn't want to do. I guess I should've respected him in that regard, but I kept pushing the "let's have sex on wednesday" thing. So, I wasn't helping and it's all my fault. I fucked it up. FUCK. I have no finesse. Yeah, I have a one track mind and maybe that's a male attribute. So what.
He's such a fucking clit tease. He told me that he posted pics of his cock online and wouldn't send them to me. How cruel is that? He also told me that he wanted to go so he could masterbate. He wouldn't even masterbate with me on the phone. He's soo cruel to tell me what he's going to do and not share it with me. He mentioned needing both hands, one for the computer (for porn) and the other for his dick. So, I masterbated on the phone and he knew what I was doing, but I didn't let him hear me cum. So There! Hah! Fuck, I'm a pathetic loser. lol.
He said he'd call me on my cell today. Most likely late tonight. He's going with his wife and her church friend to see the midnight showing of LOTR. I sometimes fantasize about showing up to where he's at with his wife and signaling him to meet me, let's say in the bathroom, and either suck him off or have a quickie. He would then go back to his wife as if nothing happened. But, we'd both know that something did. How wicked is that??
He did say that he should just say no to me and make it easier for him. I told him that I respected that and could accept that answer even though I thought it sucked. He tried to tell me that I was being passive aggressive and self loathing. Hmmm, doesn't that sound familiar? Yes, he even said that that was how he is too and that he didn't think that I, actually no one, should have to deal with what he deals with. It's sometimes easy to recognize your faults or I like to say "fucked upness." But, it's nearly impossible to change attributes you've exhibited and have become accustomed to all your life. It's easy to say you want to change, but it's too difficult.
Anyway, I hope that he calls. I just want to say goodbye. I told him that I knew he would have this sense of relief when I left the state and he'd never have to worry about me or deal with me again. He confirmed that but said it wasn't relief. Hmmm... This is his last chance to fuck me. I have to wonder if I'm such a disappointment, failure, loser, unattractive git and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with me. But, I need to get it through my thick fucking skull that it's not about me. He's married and has obligations to his wife and their marriage. But, I still want to fuck him. Hahahaha. This is the shit I did last night. I kept being passive aggressive. What the fuck is wrong with me??? fuck.
He didn't want to talk about it anymore and wanted to hang up, but I never let him hang up when we talk on the phone. He hates that. I told him the truth about why I do that and it's because I never know when I'll hear from him again or even if I'll hear from him again. I also said that I enjoy talking to him and he seems to think that he's nothing special or interesting at all. I don't understand that. He said that we can't get past small talk. That hurt me a little, but I now know that he doesn't consider me as someone he wants to really know. Small talk is for people who don't really care enough about the other person their talking to. That's what that means. So, yeah, it hurts that he feels this way about me.
He then tells me that I shouldn't care what other people think about me, their dumb ass opinions. Ideally, that would be nice, but is somewhat hard for me. I think he has trouble taking his own advice as well. It's always different when you have to look at yourself and take your own advice.
I just want to scream!!! I told him that the reason I want to have sex with him is because there's some sort of comfort in going back to him. Meaning, we've had sex before, it was GRRRRREAT and it's easy for me to go back to him to satisfy my needs. I hope I didn't come off as wanting to just use him for his body. I'm soo confused. I just remembered that he brought up emotions and something about it being an emotional thing. Yet, didn't he tell me long ago that it shouldn't be emotional? That sex is just sex? Hmmmm.... I don't know. I'm probably practicing one of the most practiced female attribute... over fucking analyzing shit. Yeah, I'm over thinking this and as Ben would say, I need to chill out, calm down and stop being a freak.
Meh. I'm a loser wannabe 1337 h4x0r. hahahaha... always resort to CS for answers to every fucking problem going on in your life. Play the fucking game, relieve some stress and fucking annihilate the opposition. Head Shots pleases the soul. Speaking of pleased souls, I weighed myself this morning and I now weigh 184.5 lbs! Yay! That's a total of 55.5lbs. I think I'm doing pretty damn good. I want to ultimately lose 20-30 more pounds. I'd like to be 160, but if 10 more pounds would make me look more hot, then so be it. Yay! I'm soo close. Maybe I should start exercising. Uhhhh, we'll see about that.
Well, I want him to call but I have the nagging feeling that I fucked it up big time and that he wont call. Will I be disappointed? I don't know. Life goes on. I wonder what newsgroup he posted his pics to??? By the By, I've posted two more pics of me. I wonder if posting pics of myself helps my self esteem or just strokes my ego. LOL. Well, the pics are of me in my new jammie set. My ass looks kinda big, but oh well. I'm a fatty, what can I say? lol. Just click on the pics link to the right and enter the crappy web cam pics folder. Voila. Pics of my ugly ass.
PS -- I just called for my grades and Yep, I fucking passed all of my classes! I got:
B - Planetary Astronomy
A - Ceramics I
C - US Gov't
I don't know how I got the B in Astro, but I did it. I'm a little upset over the C in Govt, but that's what I deserved for the shit work I did. I'm just happy to have finally gotten my associates degree. I feel somewhat accomplished.
1:57 p.m. - December 16, 2003
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