Remember how I fucked up with Ben? How every word that tumbled out of my mouth was anything but right? It seems that when I talk to someone I care about, my emotions sometimes step in front of my brain and controls what is to be said. I said many things that I shouldn't have said. I was drunk, but that can't be an excuse. The choices I made were definitely not good ones. However, when your friends with the person you uttered those things to, you hope that they can see past it and remain friends with you. Ultimately one hopes to be able to practice forgiveness even though it may be the toughest thing you do.
I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes sense. This is what I mean when I say that emotions take control of your brain, disabling logic and common sense. I guess I should learn to control that, try and think before I speak. The last time we spoke on the phone, we were both drunk and touchy. I was somewhat upset that he wouldn't see me. FUCK!! If I can't be honest here, then why the fuck do I write here? Honestly, I was extremely hurt and pissed off that he wouldn't see me. We all know that I have low self esteem and I'm self loathing. I thought that I was soo bad in bed, extremely horrific to look at, and that obviously there was something wrong with me to make him turn me down. Who would turn down free sex?
The thing is, not everything is about me. I didn't realize it at the time. I should have respected his marriage and should note have asked him to betray her again. I wasn't thinking with my head, but with my naughty bits. I also wanted the attention he used to give me to make me feel good. Addiction. I somewhat understand it. Anyway, he was upset because I was emotional and saying all kinds of crazy things.
Words, words, words. Words that form sentences. The structure is simple, it's the word choices that are hard to make.
He was mad at me. Understandable. To avoid hanging up on me, he appeased me by lying to me. He said he would call me the day before I left. I shouldn't have anticipated it, but I did. I wanted to use that last chance to say I was sorry. To apologize. I can't help the way that I am. All I can do is aknowledge my faults and try to change them and grow as a person. It's hard. A very hard process. He understands me when no one else does. I wish he were patient with me. But, what I want doesn't matter. You can't force people to do what you want. This I found out. Sometimes being persistant is annoying and doesn't work.
He didn't call and I was hurt by it. I know that he would say that I shouldn't care. That he isn't important, that I shouldn't place importance on this, on him, my friend. I still do have feelings for him. This fucks me up. I'm still attached. I wish I weren't. I wish we could go back to the way things were. The beauty of hindsight. Fuck, I'm rambling. I was just telling Carla that writing down all of my thoughts and feelings help me. I need this outlet. I need to get how I feel out. It comforts me. It is in no way egotistical. I can't explain how expressing my thoughts, feelings, emotions help me to deal with what I'm going through.
I got a call on my cell phone saturday from ~~Ben's~~ home number. I missed the call and so I sent him an instant message stating that I wasn't ignoring him and that I called the number back 20 minutes later only to realize it was his home phone number when his wife answered the call. I immediately hung up the phone. Damn modern technology. She called me back using her caller ID, yet I didn't think she recognized my cell number. I had Carla answer and tell her some bullshit story that she accidentally called the wrong number. At this point, Kelly then asked her why she didn't say anything to her at which carla replied that she most likely picked up when she hung up.
I had to rectify this situation. I felt that I had to send ben an IM apologizing in case he would get in trouble if she realized what number it was. (I've been stretched thin now that I've been home. I've been here, there and back again many times over. I haven't had a stable place to sleep and I haven't had access to the internet on a regular basis either.) I got a reply this morning, 1:40 am central time, from ben. It said this:
macglauvin (Mon 12/22/03 01:43:32 AM): Guess what? That person that called you the other day from the home phone wasn't me. It was Kelly. For no appearent reason she decided to work on your scarf last week. She finished up on friday night. Of course I couldn't really tell her that it was a day too late... Anyway, on Saturday she wrapped it like a present and called starbucks to see if you were at work, whoever she talked to said you moved to CA. Then she called Erica and confirmed that you had indeed moved away. I did my best to act surprised and she then tried to figure how she would get the scarf to you. Eventually that led to calling your cell number and that's why she called. At this point I think she plans to leave it with erica because she said she would ship it to you.
macglauvin (Mon 12/22/03 01:46:12 AM): If you're wondering why she suddenly decided to make it, she said it has to do with 1.)x-mas spirit 2.)she feels bad about the way your friendship ended 3.)you paid for the supplies and she committed to make it.
macglauvin (Mon 12/22/03 01:50:19 AM): Don't know what she expects will come out of this, it doesn't seem like her intention is to be friends again. Maybe she's just trying to make things neutral instead of negative. Well anyway, TTFN.
~~~~~~~~~
This explained the phone call but finding this out hurt me as well. To know that he was never planning to call me. He never even sent me an email. No goodbye, good luck, lets keep in touch. Nothing. Should I care? I'm not sure, but it's obvious that I do. How non-chalant he sounded. "TTFN." I can only imagine that since she had called my cell phone number 20 minutes prior to me calling back, that she new it was me that had called and hung up on her once I realized who it was. Even though I may not be friends with her, I recognize her brilliance. She is no imbecile. She surely must have realized that there was something between Ben and myself. That's th eonly thing I can think of that would have her ask me to not be friends with him any longer. Unless he's a great actor, she should have picked up some difference in his demeanor. Heh. Well, that's neither here nor there. Heh. A fucking cliche. Nice.
Time to move forward. Can I do it? Maybe with time. Time heals all wounds, right? Isn't that how the tired cliche goes? I'm a broken record. Broken and tired.
I still want to be friends with you Ben. Maybe now that I'm far away it will be easier for that to become a reality.
8:06 p.m. - December 22, 2003
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
iceelement