I've been feeling extremely sad and lonely lately and I'm not sure why. I've been logging on almost nightly to talk to Ben about it, but he hasn't been online. I IM'd him and he hasn't responded. I tell myself it's because he hasn't been online, but we also know that he sometimes won't respond. I'm also feeling kind of antsy about that because I never heard anything from him about my pics. I'm wondering if I should remove them from my photo album. I don't know.
I went to the library today and found that the local library lends out CD's. All kinds of CD's. I actually found Either/Or by Elliot Smith. I borrowed about 10 CD's and burned them all. Shhh, don't tell anyone.
Sonny, our downstairs neighbor sent up a friend or cousin of his to borrow some TP. Uhuh. He called after his friend came up and talked to carla about him. He wanted to know what I thought of him, told her what he said about me, which pretty much was "cool, cool." Hmmm. Okay then. I felt so embarrased. What to do? Hide in my room, comforted by such sweet solitude. Unfortunately, living with Carla means that she won't let me hibernate in my room.
I feel like I have no direction. I have to wait a year to attend school, for which the only good thing to come out of that is I'll be a CA resident by then and not have to worry about out of state fees. Now I really have to find a job. I don't want to work though. I want to be a bum. Today I couldn't stop wondering what the point of my life is. Why am I alive? I'm just a waste of space. I have no effect on anyone or the world so why am I alive? I'm sure that alot of people who've died unjustly deserve life more than I do because I don't do anything with mine.
As Hamlet once said, "for in that sleep of death, what dreams may come." What if things are better when you're dead?
(It's now 12:11 AM which makes it 2:11 in TX and he hasn't IM'd me. )
Sigh. I reread an email he sent me:
So I don't know where you are tonight. I'm having alot of hard days recently.The types of days where I want to talk to someone that isn't my other half.Where are you now? Where were you then? If there was a day that I could run to you would you want to be found? I'm listening to this song called 'mad world' it's from the donnie darko soundtrack. I really don't know what it means but it sounds sad and that strikes a chord with me. I feel sad but I don't always know why. Maybe if I had another last chance to see you and touch you again I could do it. I don't know. Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment of 'what if' stretched out into forever.
Sometimes I'm ready to die. Sometimes I'm already dead. Sometimes I feel I'm starting over.
I'm sucked into a world I can't control. I'm expected to MAKE my future but I feel like the future is something that happens to me. I'm crying now. I can tell you because you won't tell me I'm dumb. You won't judge me for being depressed. I think you know what I mean. Even if you don't you will pretend to. You probably don't want to talk to me anymore and that's OK. It makes you more like everyone else. Some people are the light and some people are the darkness. I know that I'm dark. Nobody wants to be around the dark ones and that's the nature of life. I should be proud that I've ever made anyone feel loved. Sometimes I think I have have more to give but I should accept that I don't. I want to write a book that makes people happy, even if it's fantasy/escapism. I know I can't though.
Breathing doesn't mean you're alive
I should be better
How to improve?
I want to bleed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel as he does. He can always come to me and talk. I'll be there for him. To listen without any judgement what so ever. But, can I ask for the same thing in return? I don't know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Write something, even if it's a suicide note."
- Gore Vidal
"Death may be the greatest of all human blessings."
- Socrates
11:50 p.m. - January 14, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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