Dear Jack,
I've read your diary and heard that you've been feeling down lately. I also know that you opened up to grandma and told her that you've contemplated suicide. I don't know if it's serious or not, but I felt that I had to write this to you.
I know how it feels to be depressed. I know. Our depressive states may be due to different reasons, but depression is the same all around. Thoughts of death permeate and linger in our minds. When you're down, it's hard to let go of these thoughts. I sometimes find comfort in my depression. Sweet, sweet solitude.
I can't be a hypocrite and tell you that you shouldn't have such dark thougts and think the things you do because you're young and can't possibly feel or go through things that would make you depressed or suicidal.
I was around the age of 10 when I first thought about committing suicide. I had reasons for those thoughts that I can't divulge to you. It's too difficult to talk about and you don't need to worry about me. I remember feeling that no one was on my side. No one understood what I was feeling. I felt helpless and alone. No one was on MY side.
One night I decided to just do it. When everyone was asleep, I went into the kitchen. I left all the lights off and sat on the floor with the biggest knife we owned. I couldn't stop crying because I felt that that was the answer. This will stop all the pain I'm feeling inside and I can't be hurt anymore. I cried as I tried to slit my wrist. Fortunately, the blade wasn't sharp enough. Mom hadn't sharpened it yet.
I looked at the red welt on my left wrist, put the knife back and went to my room where I cried myself to sleep. Jack, I don't know how to explain to you that at the time, I felt that nothing was going right for me. I'm still struggling with my past. But, you have to realize that life does go on. The troubles you face now will be miniscule compared to the potential happiness you will experience in the future. Unless something truly traumatic has happened to you. I want you to always know that I'm here for you. Whenever you need me. Call me if you feel like talking because I will always be available to listen without any judgement.
You can talk to me with complete confidence that I will keep whatever it is you confide to me locked away in my heart. Know this, if you do tell me something that I can't keep to myself, meaning it may be something I have to tell your parents, please don't hate me and know that I care soo much about you and love you soo much that I want to help in anyway that I can.
You may think that your parents hate you or are never on your side, but the decisions they make, even if they seemed fucked up, are always for your benefit. I once told grandma that I hated her and wanted to live with Carla because I felt she wasn't on my side. Can you believe that she actually called 911? They asked her if she wanted Child Protective Services to come out and get me. She declined, but that to me just confirmed how much she was against me. Looking back, I realize that what I said to her was very hurtful and she just didn't know what to do.
I feel like I'm rambling, but I feel it's necessary to tell you what's happened to me in the past and about how I'm feeling now. Who knows, maybe what I've said can help you somehow. I don't know. Maybe just knowing that I know what you're going through will help you to open up to me.
Another thing you have to keep in mind when contemplating suicide is that the people you leave behind will be devastated. That's not a guilt trip statement. It's just that we love you soo much and couldn't possibly imagine our lives without you in it.
I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS.
9:28 p.m. - January 15, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
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oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
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