The other night was an interesting night. It had its highs and it had its lows. I Had a date with Remy that night. He picked me up at my uncles house. My uncle answered the door, ushered him in and I had to introduce him to all 3 uncles AND my parents. Eek! Poor guy! It was their poker night. They didn't give him the 3rd degree thank god, but just said hi and told us to have fun.
We left there and went to the Revue for tea and coffee. We sat next to each other talking, joking and just enjoying each others company. After the revue, we went to the Elbow Room. Yep, the preppy bar. It fits him somehow. Anyway, we went out onto the patio, he had a beer while I had water. We started talking about the future, our ambitions and goals. He obviously had to tell me something, but didn't know how to do it.
He started talking about how he would be leaving in August for law school and how he pretty much couldn't afford to be distracted. I understand that the dropout rate is 3 out of 5 students and I understand that he's doing this to provide for his family and for his own family in the future. I still couldn't help feel hurt and extremely sad because I really, really like Remy. He told me that he didn't expect to feel the way he does for me, but after our first date, he realized that I was the kind of girl he would want to have a long term relationship with.
He said he was sorry and that he didn't mean to fuck up our date and that it wasn't an easy decision for him to make. Half of him feels like he wants to just fuck it and date me and see what happens, but his familial obligations weigh heavy on his shoulders. His culture puts alot of emphasis on the sons to take care of the family and I admire his sense of duty. After he told me that, we decided to leave.
As we were walking out, I asked him if he could take me home to sanger and that if he didn't want to drive back, he could stay the night. cough cough. Why did I make that decision? I'm not quite sure. He drove me to the apartment where we made love 3 wonderful times. I didn't cum once, but it didn't matter because sharing that experience with him made it wonderful. He did things to me that Ben didn't do that I absolutely loved. He paid so much attention to my body, he told me that I was beautiful and that he loved my body.
He went down on me and it felt amazing...mmmm... He did this thing where he played with my clitoris with one finger and inserted another finger inside me and it felt so fucking good. Then he slowly entered me and he felt so good. He was gentle and then he was rough! I loved how he would put his weight on me. I liked that feeling of, i don't know, security maybe? I'm not sure if that's the right word. But, he kissed me and looked me in the eye and I could see the passion there.
This time around, I made sure that I had safe sex. I don't know that I could tell a difference really. Less messy, that's for sure, but sometimes the messy part is fun. Gross, I know. Anyway, after he came, he kissed me. He cleaned up and then came back and cuddled with me. We talked about why I decided to do this even after he told me what he did. I couldn't give him an answer.
We fucked again, this time he fucked me from behind. OMG, that felt soo good. I really like that position. I find that I can almost cum more easily. But, like I said, I didn't cum once. Maybe I'm sexually challenged. Maybe I'll never experience that. Who knows. I hope not, that would suck! The third time we fucked, he actually told me that he loved me. He actually said that. I couldn't take him telling me that because I really really like him alot.
Earlier at the bar, we were talking about the usage of the word love and how it's so commonly said that it loses its meaning and becomes somewhat trivial. I told him that I don't want to be told I love you so much to where it just becomes second nature. I want it to mean something. I love you doesn't mean goodbye when you're talking on the phone, so don't say it. It should be reserved for special moments. I do want to hear it, but I don't want it to be trivial. Does this make sense?
Anyway, so when he said that, I just closed my eyes and told him not to say that. I wanted to say it back, but I just couldn't. It's too soon and I really like him too much that it would probably hurt to much. After we had sex, he said that I tired him out. I could've gone on for more, but, hey it was getting late. He looked so beautiful. He has the most amazing brown eyes, long lashes and luscious lips that I just want to kiss and kiss and kiss. He also has the most amazing smile that just melts me. He's such a great catch.
I didn't think that things would turn this way so soon. I guess I let my feelings run rampant too soon. Anyway, he didn't know how to get back to Fresno, so I went back with him. We were in the car and it was a somewhat quiet ride back into town. We would glance at each other slyly. He asked me if I was okay and I could just reply somewhat. We were on the freeway coming upon the exit to my uncles house when I asked him to just keep going and take me to my sisters house.
He looked at me and asked me if I needed to talk to her. I told him that I did. He kept driving and when we got to my sisters house, he parked in front and turned off his car. He was mad because he hated that he's made me sad or is hurting me. He wished that we had met at a more opportune time. He said that he really liked me and again he never expected that he would fall for me the way he did.
I held his hand and told him not to worry about it. I told him that I would never, ever stand in the way of his reaching his goal to support his family. I'm not selfish. He told me that I was his female counterpart and that he would probably have said the samething if he were in my positions. I told him that I am saddened that I met him, found out he is wonderful and now I can't have him. I was going to get out of the car, but he stopped me and gave me one of the most loving soft kisses ever. We kissed twice and all I could do was sit there with my eyes closed because if I had opened them, I would have cried.
I hate it! I hate knowing that he cares soo much for me and feels the same way for me, but it's just the wrong time. You may be thinking that he's just bullshitting me, but if you were there, you would know that he was absolutely sincere. He almost teared up. He asked me to call him when I didn't feel so sad or hurt. I caressed his hair and told him that he had a great mind and a good heart. After saying that, I got out of the car, entered the house and shut off all the lights. I wanted to cry soo bad. I walked over to the den that overlooks the street and watched as he sat in his car for 1 to 2 minutes. He just sat there. I wanted to run back outside soo bad and kiss those lips just one more time or tell him that I wanted him.
That would be selfish. I can't do that. Well, I can, but not in this respect. It killed me, watching him just sitting in his car in front of the house I grew up in. Then, he turned on his car and drove away. Everyone in the house was asleep (it was 3AM), so I really couldn't talk to my sister. I layed down on the couch and thought about the entire evening. I didn't regret a single moment.
Last night, I sent him this message:
psyfilover (10:28:01 PM): hi
I wanted to call you soo many times today. but i just didn't know what to say I've been in state of sadness all day long. After I entered my sisters house and shut off all the lights, I wanted to turn right around and get back in that car and be selfish. I wanted to kiss your lips just once more. I remember the conversation we had about Love at the elbow room and when you told me that you loved me as we were making love, i couldn't take it because I know what it means to say those words. I wanted to tell you I loved you as well, but it would hurt too much. I don't know why I invited you back to sanger after you told me we couldn't be. All I know is that I enjoyed making love to you and I will never regret that decision. I want to remain friends because now that I know you, I couldn't possibly imagine not having you in my life. As I said, you have a great mind and a good heart. I admire your strength and sense of duty. Please say that we can be friends. I promise to keep my hands to myself.... lol... it'll be hard knowing that my hands have already caressed your beautiful body Call me when you can. I'd love to hang out and have a coffee (or tea) with you BTW - what is your email address?? I'd prefer to write you an email, but I am left to send you instant messages. Maybe I feel that it's somewhat safer for me to IM all this to you because I don't know that I wouldn't fuck it up on the phone or in person. I hope to hear from you soon.
We'll see what happens.
9:00 p.m. - February 01, 2004
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