Heh. I don't have the energy to go into detail about what happened between Remy and I, but needless to say, as everyone already knew, including myself, is that it's officially over. I knew it. I had some fucked up false hope that maybe he wanted me as bad as I wanted him and would do anything to have me. But, that's obviously not the case.
I can't help but deeply wallow in self pity. It's easy to, isn't it? It's easy to just say that this is my lot in life and I should just accept the fact that I'll remain alone. Forever. If I keep my expectations low, then I won't get disappointed. However, I know that doing that would be more harmful. I'd be the walking dead. Dead inside.
I'm a failure, psycho, naive, inexperienced, a late bloomer, insecure, reclusive, shy, depressed, sad, lonely, undeserving, loveless, blind women who rushes into things without thinking. That's me. I suck. Ask the few people I know. Ask them what they think of me and they'll tell you the truth. They'll tell you what they would never tell me to my face. Go ahead. Ask them.
People want you to be honest, but not really. People want to hear a sugar coated truth instead of the absolute brutal truth. I want the brutal fucking truth. Tell me. Hurt my fucking feelings. I want to hurt. I want to live in a constant state of hurt, depression, sadness and fucking loneliness.
I may be over reacting, but does it really matter? This is how I feel now and this what I think I'll feel for the rest of my life. I want happiness but maybe the cost is too high. Maybe you can liken happiness to crack. It's a great fucking high, but the low's are fucking intolerable. So, the government says it's against the law to use drugs, apparently it's bad for you. Therefore, I say fuck happiness. It's bad for you and will fuck you emotionally.
Why even fucking live? What's the purpose? To go through life sad, lonely, depressed and unable to achieve your dreams?
Heh. I'm obviously in a "mood." So, fuck what I say. I'll be over all this shit someday. I will have happiness so help me god! I will find love. I will love in return. I have to believe that or else life has no meaning.
4:09 p.m. - February 13, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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