I haven't posted in awhile. I really haven't been in the mood to write about how I'm feeling. But, it seems that at this very moment, I feel somewhat compelled to get some thoughts down.
I'm feeling a bit pissed off. Things, people and situations are annoying the shit out of me. I guess it's one way to stay regular. Moving on, I'm really mad at someone in particular. His name is Ben. I've recently been informed by Ben that he has a new "GIRLFRIEND." A 17 year old girl that he's, oh i don't know, fucked about five times. Why am I upset? Am I jealous? I shouldn't be.
I really didn't know what to say when he told me this. I tried to be nonchalant about it, but inside I was pissed off. First, she's 17. 17! She's in highschool. He's 26 years old! Secondly, I'm jealous of her and I don't even know her. I shouldn't even be fucking jealous. Why has my reasoning gone completely south? It isn't even winter! I guess my self worth, being as low as it already is, has gone even more low and yes it's possible.
I hate the fact that he would actually leave his wife at home and go see her, hang out with her and ultimately fuck her. I imagine her being this beautiful woman who I can't compare to. She must be more intelligent that I, more compassionate, filled with understanding. BUT, and this is important, I SHOULDN'T CARE! We humans are all different. We look different, have different personalities, preferences, and have varying levels of intelligence, which seems to be absent in my case.
I'm mad at myself. I don't want to care, but I do. I know the folly of this reasoning and you can't even call it logic. I've been able to tell some of my CS friends of the situation. Of course, I make light of it because it hurts so much. The emotions, the feelings and love? I felt for him just overwhelmed me. Cricket and Ninja are both understanding guys. They tell me what I already know and what I need to hear in regards to this entire situation. Whether it be, "oh yeah, he's an ass" or "that bitch is mine!"
Ben, macg! or macglauvin, happened to be frequenting the server I play CS on the past couple of days. I was happy he was there and yet, I was filled with anxiety. I wanted to know every detail of his relationship with that girl and yet I didn't want to suffer or torture myself. Although, this entire situation is torture for me. Why do inquiring minds want to know? Curiosity killed the cat, remember? Remember that tired cliche? Well, it's holds some weight to it.
Speaking of weight, minor sidenote, I gained weight! I can't believe it. I'm up to 200lbs again. I've gained 15lbs. I hate myself even more for not being able to control my urges. However, I've been in uber depressed mode since I moved here and it's slowly starting to disappate, thanks to my new job which forces me to venture out of my room 5 days a week. I'm a very emotional eater. The Remy thing didn't help either. Anyways, next paragraph.
Another sidenote, why do I write so much boring commentary? Hmm... Next paragraph.
So, I can't remember what I was saying now. Hold on. I have to scroll back. Oh yes, Macglauvin and the support of .x2 and -AoA-. Well, he was on the server and he overheard me asking for Cricket and Ninja's support regarding Ben. I needed the strength to stop myself from doing or saying anything that would get me in trouble. I.E. (what does i.e. stand for? why have we stopped using for ex.?) I still have smidges of feelings for him. I shouldn't but I can't help it. It's been months since I've seen him and months since I've really spoken to him.
Actually, we don't really get down into anything of true significance with each other. It seems that whenever we chat online it always ends up in dirty talk. Yes, I am perverted, naughty, dirty, whatever, but there's no fulfillment there. There are other things to talk or be engaged about. I also noticed that when he's under some sort of "influence" he speaks more freely with me. I'm not sure if they're lies or not, for which he has admitted to lying before. I don't know.
I can go on forever and run you, the reader, ragged. I run myself ragged. I think in circles and I try to fool myself into whatever selfish answer I'm looking for. I'm tired now. sigh. I hate my life and where it isn't going. I hate not knowing. That's a general statment but I like it because it pretty much can pertain to many things I hate.
Well, Ima getmehoff.
I need some input. I can ask this because I actually KNOW people read this boring thing.
~~ Should I post pictures of Ben and Remy on my pics page? Email me and let me know. I'm sure they'd hate it, which may bring me some sort of vindictive pleasure. BTW, I dreamed that I told Kelly everything. heh. I wouldn't do it, but the dream was invigorating. ~~
10:13 p.m. - March 17, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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