God, I can't believe I agreed to do what I just agreed to do. I can't even mention what I did. Here's the transcript. (It's kinda long. sorry.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
alarcon93638 (6:30:22 PM): yeah i would care
my screen name (6:30:33 PM): would you really?
alarcon93638 (6:30:44 PM): yes very much so, you know that
alarcon93638 (6:30:58 PM): question is to whom are you directing your question
alarcon93638 (6:31:06 PM): some one in particular
alarcon93638 (6:31:09 PM): or anyone
my screen name (6:31:16 PM): to anyone that even recognizes that I exist.
alarcon93638 (6:31:28 PM): i was thinking of you today as a matter of fact
my screen name (6:31:47 PM): really? I think of you here and there. Last night you crossed my mind
alarcon93638 (6:32:07 PM): so you see, then we recognize that we exist
alarcon93638 (6:32:13 PM): we think of one another
alarcon93638 (6:32:19 PM): hence we care
alarcon93638 (6:32:25 PM): why so gloomy?
my screen name (6:32:52 PM): ... sigh ...
my screen name (6:34:22 PM): sometimes memories pop up and make you realize that you haven't talked to that person in awhile or that you haven't seen them. But, literally, you recognize they exist, but only for as long as you think about them.
my screen name (6:34:30 PM): I guess I just wonder if anyone ever thinks about me
my screen name (6:35:01 PM): or geniunely cares for my well being
alarcon93638 (6:35:02 PM): ah now i see, you and i have been feeling the same lately then
alarcon93638 (6:35:09 PM): its called world sadness
my screen name (6:35:18 PM): thanks for the diagnosis
alarcon93638 (6:35:19 PM): and loneliness
alarcon93638 (6:35:38 PM): yeah and sarcasm is a symptom
alarcon93638 (6:35:40 PM): lol
my screen name (6:35:45 PM):
my screen name (6:35:46 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (6:35:53 PM): come on cheer up
alarcon93638 (6:35:57 PM): i care about you
my screen name (6:36:10 PM): why? why is it so important that one be happy all the time?
alarcon93638 (6:36:58 PM): well its not but otherwise billions of dollars of media induced info will have gone to waste
alarcon93638 (6:37:09 PM): its not important thats the point
alarcon93638 (6:37:25 PM): but the stress of its importance is what gets most people
my screen name (6:37:53 PM): what is so important about it?
my screen name (6:38:13 PM): what? you live longer? you look more youthful??
my screen name (6:38:17 PM): who cares about that shit
alarcon93638 (6:38:28 PM): happinesss is a momentary feeling of euphoria, it lasts for a short period of time then dissipates then a human after feeling it likes it, it feels good, then goes on to seek it
alarcon93638 (6:38:49 PM): and when not finding it well ends up feeling lonley outcast and uncared for
alarcon93638 (6:38:57 PM): its like crack
my screen name (6:39:02 PM): yeah, i prefer the latter... fuck happiness
my screen name (6:39:07 PM): it's overrated
alarcon93638 (6:39:17 PM): hmmm you are depressed,
alarcon93638 (6:39:22 PM): well me too
alarcon93638 (6:39:30 PM): lets make a club
my screen name (6:40:00 PM): right. the fucked up, lonely, pathetic and depressed peoples club.
my screen name (6:40:06 PM): all we think about is ourselves??
my screen name (6:40:07 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (6:40:14 PM): yeah true
alarcon93638 (6:40:25 PM): cuase we matter most to our own selves
my screen name (6:40:57 PM): Well, in a non egotistical way of course
alarcon93638 (6:41:10 PM): it makes me feel better that you care about me if that any consolation
my screen name (6:41:21 PM): i can't NOT care for someone
my screen name (6:41:30 PM): it's not in me to be spiteful, hateful and stuff
my screen name (6:41:35 PM): i can be pissed, but not hateful
my screen name (6:41:37 PM): i do care
alarcon93638 (6:41:38 PM): i know
alarcon93638 (6:41:46 PM): and i care about you
my screen name (6:41:55 PM): why?
alarcon93638 (6:42:24 PM): because i think you are a very kind, intelligent, loving, and beautiful individual
my screen name (6:43:11 PM): thank you. I accept your compliment as i try not to scream, "Yeah Right!!"
alarcon93638 (6:43:38 PM): you might feel that way about it, but somehwere inside you know that is excatly how i look at you
alarcon93638 (6:43:48 PM): you cant deny that
alarcon93638 (6:44:10 PM): i think you are these things and more
my screen name (6:44:29 PM): I know. It's just hard for me to accept. I feel the same about you, but, what good does that do?
alarcon93638 (6:45:39 PM): yeah i know
alarcon93638 (6:46:37 PM): it doesnt do that much good, in a sense at least we can acknowledge one another as we see each other, i think our fondness of one another is a strong one
alarcon93638 (6:47:10 PM): i want to know youre ok, work, school,
alarcon93638 (6:47:24 PM): where are you now
alarcon93638 (6:47:28 PM): in fresno
my screen name (6:47:34 PM): I'm in fresno
alarcon93638 (6:47:49 PM): who are you staying with now
my screen name (6:48:22 PM): I'm still residing with carla's parents. they're allowing me to save up for my own place
my screen name (6:48:34 PM): work is okay. school may have to wait
my screen name (6:48:39 PM): I hate that, but I need to save money
alarcon93638 (6:48:47 PM): at the bank right
alarcon93638 (6:48:51 PM): work that is
my screen name (6:49:08 PM): yes. bank of america call center on palm and herndon right next door to the BMW dealership
alarcon93638 (6:49:48 PM): BMW , , the synagogue of everything holy
alarcon93638 (6:49:52 PM): lol
my screen name (6:50:19 PM): brb
my screen name (6:52:03 PM): one day as i was driving home, i thought i saw you
alarcon93638 (6:52:17 PM): hmm, really
my screen name (6:52:27 PM): yes
alarcon93638 (6:52:30 PM): in a camaro
my screen name (6:52:47 PM): no.. i thought i saw you in the mercedes
alarcon93638 (6:53:04 PM): not me then, i havent driven the mercedes in over a month
my screen name (6:53:17 PM): oh. you like the camaro then? lol
alarcon93638 (6:53:20 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (6:53:24 PM): not on gas i dont
my screen name (6:53:37 PM): hey, i understand that 100 percent!
my screen name (6:53:42 PM): i spend 30 bucks a week on gas
alarcon93638 (6:53:46 PM): hows your hog
alarcon93638 (6:53:49 PM): lol
my screen name (6:53:52 PM): it needs alot of work.
alarcon93638 (6:54:24 PM): how bout i sell you a car
alarcon93638 (6:54:26 PM): lol
my screen name (6:54:34 PM): it's been neglected. I got it in bad condition. I replaced the muffler with a flowmaster. fixed the tranny leak, and changed out the tranny bar, i have to replace the brakes, air shocks and other stuff
my screen name (6:54:46 PM): i can't afford a new car
my screen name (6:54:50 PM):
my screen name (6:54:55 PM): or any car
alarcon93638 (6:54:56 PM): you sounds sexy talking about car parts
my screen name (6:54:56 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (6:54:58 PM): lol
my screen name (6:55:00 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (6:55:03 PM): say tranny again
my screen name (6:55:05 PM): stop making me smile
alarcon93638 (6:55:06 PM): lol
my screen name (6:55:08 PM): tranny
my screen name (6:55:09 PM): lmao
alarcon93638 (6:55:11 PM): i love your smile
my screen name (6:55:27 PM): bah!
alarcon93638 (6:56:17 PM): you have one hell of a cute smile
alarcon93638 (6:56:23 PM): dimples too
my screen name (6:56:27 PM): ever since that one night... i've been not soo good. i've been in ultra depressed mood and gained 15lbs
alarcon93638 (6:56:28 PM): sooo cute
my screen name (6:56:29 PM): i don't have dimples
alarcon93638 (6:56:42 PM): since what night
alarcon93638 (6:57:04 PM): when i was with you you mean
my screen name (6:57:19 PM): yes
alarcon93638 (6:57:31 PM): gee thanks, now i feel like i cuased you the depression
alarcon93638 (6:57:34 PM): lol
my screen name (6:57:41 PM): well, you didn't the situation did
my screen name (6:57:48 PM): it's understandable isn't it?
alarcon93638 (6:57:54 PM): yeah well i feel the same way
alarcon93638 (6:58:05 PM): it is depressing
my screen name (6:58:06 PM): you gained 15lbs too??
my screen name (6:58:07 PM): nice
my screen name (6:58:09 PM): i feel better
alarcon93638 (6:58:10 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (6:58:12 PM): no silly
my screen name (6:58:13 PM): lol
my screen name (6:58:16 PM): awww.. don't crush me
alarcon93638 (6:58:24 PM): crush you
alarcon93638 (6:58:29 PM): silly
my screen name (6:58:32 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (6:58:48 PM): i remember you saying you show shilly
alarcon93638 (6:58:51 PM): so cutee
my screen name (6:59:01 PM): yeah.. okay.. sure it was
alarcon93638 (6:59:11 PM):
my screen name (6:59:21 PM): hehe
alarcon93638 (6:59:23 PM): 15lbs huh, bet you still look so sexy
my screen name (6:59:30 PM): stop making me smile.. i'm supposed to be all sad and depressed
my screen name (6:59:33 PM): you're ruining it
my screen name (6:59:34 PM): nah
my screen name (6:59:36 PM): i'm fat
my screen name (6:59:40 PM): <---- gross
alarcon93638 (6:59:42 PM): youre cuddly
alarcon93638 (6:59:46 PM): and cute
my screen name (6:59:51 PM): omg.. you said cuddly...lol
alarcon93638 (6:59:55 PM): like a furry bunny rabbit
my screen name (7:00:03 PM): hey, leave my bunny rabbit out of it
alarcon93638 (7:00:08 PM): hoppity bobitty skippity
my screen name (7:00:29 PM): you're silly
alarcon93638 (7:00:32 PM): youre so cute,
alarcon93638 (7:00:41 PM): makes me wanna kiss you right now
my screen name (7:00:51 PM): why did you say that?
alarcon93638 (7:01:07 PM): because
my screen name (7:01:20 PM):
my screen name (7:01:22 PM): remy...
alarcon93638 (7:01:30 PM):
my screen name (7:02:00 PM):
alarcon93638 (7:02:09 PM):
my screen name (7:02:50 PM): remy
alarcon93638 (7:02:56 PM): sheila
my screen name (7:03:07 PM):
alarcon93638 (7:03:23 PM): sheila sheila sheila
my screen name (7:03:29 PM): lol
my screen name (7:04:29 PM): what else is going on w/you?
alarcon93638 (7:04:34 PM): nada
my screen name (7:04:43 PM): how's your dad?
alarcon93638 (7:06:06 PM): hes fine now
my screen name (7:06:19 PM): I'm glad to hear that
alarcon93638 (7:06:33 PM): hows your family
my screen name (7:06:51 PM): My dad left for the PI last month and my mother leaves this month, after my birthday
alarcon93638 (7:07:06 PM): ah ok, you bday this month
alarcon93638 (7:07:07 PM): cool
my screen name (7:07:11 PM): yep. I'm old
my screen name (7:07:13 PM):
alarcon93638 (7:07:15 PM): so youll be 18
my screen name (7:07:15 PM): and alone
my screen name (7:07:17 PM): hehe
my screen name (7:07:18 PM): i wish
alarcon93638 (7:07:24 PM): you look 18
my screen name (7:07:27 PM): no i don't
alarcon93638 (7:07:33 PM): yes u do
my screen name (7:07:37 PM): do i really?
alarcon93638 (7:07:41 PM): ah huh
alarcon93638 (7:07:46 PM): hella cute
my screen name (7:07:47 PM): heh.
alarcon93638 (7:07:52 PM): really sexy
my screen name (7:07:53 PM): hella cute? not sexy?
my screen name (7:07:54 PM): lol
my screen name (7:08:01 PM): good answer
alarcon93638 (7:08:05 PM): youre beyond sexu
my screen name (7:08:17 PM): how does one become "beyond sexy?"
alarcon93638 (7:08:41 PM): dont know all i know is everytime i think of you i get a hard on that can warp space and time
my screen name (7:08:58 PM): are you being serious w/me?
alarcon93638 (7:09:04 PM): dead serious
alarcon93638 (7:09:14 PM): lets say if i was a waiter i could carry three trays
alarcon93638 (7:09:20 PM):
my screen name (7:09:20 PM): lmao
my screen name (7:09:22 PM): omg
my screen name (7:09:24 PM): you're crezy
alarcon93638 (7:09:50 PM): yeah maybe but you turn me on really bad
my screen name (7:10:35 PM): I just don't understand how that is. What makes me soo different?
alarcon93638 (7:10:44 PM): alot of things
alarcon93638 (7:11:04 PM): alot of qualities you have that are rare
my screen name (7:11:14 PM): 1. i can carry a conversation (somewhat)
my screen name (7:11:18 PM): 2. I shave my naughty bits
my screen name (7:11:22 PM): 3. I'm easy???
alarcon93638 (7:11:26 PM): no
my screen name (7:11:27 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:12:50 PM): youre smart, witty, funny, considerate, moderate, humble, kind, sweet, caring, gorgeous face, great body, beautiful smile, mesmerizing eyes, soft skin, innocent, childlike yet mature, great heart, great person
alarcon93638 (7:13:01 PM): and sexy as helll
my screen name (7:13:34 PM): thank you. sometimes its hard to recognize the good qualities about yourself
my screen name (7:13:41 PM): However, I did know that I'm SEXY as hell
alarcon93638 (7:13:42 PM): i know
my screen name (7:13:42 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:13:54 PM): you are sexy as hell
alarcon93638 (7:13:56 PM): so sexy
my screen name (7:13:59 PM): i know
my screen name (7:14:06 PM): shaved naughty bits and everything
alarcon93638 (7:14:12 PM): ok scratch out the humble bit
alarcon93638 (7:14:14 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:14:48 PM): makes me wish those bits were in my mouth this very second
my screen name (7:14:57 PM): lol
my screen name (7:15:01 PM): oh god...
my screen name (7:15:08 PM): now i'm horny
my screen name (7:15:10 PM): great. thanks
alarcon93638 (7:15:17 PM): welcome
my screen name (7:15:33 PM): you've probably had tons of sex since we last saw each other and all i have is my vibrator..heh
alarcon93638 (7:15:42 PM): nope i have not
alarcon93638 (7:16:07 PM): and even if i did it wouldnt compare with having it with you
my screen name (7:16:33 PM):
my screen name (7:16:38 PM): excuse my potty mouth
my screen name (7:16:42 PM):
my screen name (7:16:43 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:16:50 PM): so why cant you
my screen name (7:17:22 PM): I can't
my screen name (7:17:26 PM): what are you talking about?
my screen name (7:17:37 PM): i haven't talked to anyone at all
my screen name (7:17:43 PM): i just stay home and read or play CS
alarcon93638 (7:17:49 PM): what am i chopped liver
my screen name (7:17:52 PM): right now i'm reading a book that i can relate to
my screen name (7:18:31 PM): hey. its a two way street. I want to call you, but i don't know how that would go over with you since you never replied to me that one day when we were going to chat, but I got tied up (not in the fun way) and I message you about having coffee
my screen name (7:18:40 PM): no, i hate chopped liver and you're better
my screen name (7:18:41 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:18:59 PM): well then
alarcon93638 (7:19:34 PM): invite me over and ill be more thna happy to bury my head between your thighs
my screen name (7:19:40 PM): are you serious?
alarcon93638 (7:19:59 PM): im dead serious
my screen name (7:20:22 PM): <---- seriously contemplating it
alarcon93638 (7:20:46 PM): cant be tonights though just so you know
my screen name (7:21:03 PM): do you have a place?
alarcon93638 (7:21:18 PM): i live with my folks, but i can get a room
my screen name (7:21:33 PM): ok... this friday??
alarcon93638 (7:21:45 PM): ok
my screen name (7:22:08 PM): ok
my screen name (7:22:46 PM): i get off work at 5pm
alarcon93638 (7:23:03 PM): ok
my screen name (7:23:11 PM): you are serious, right?
alarcon93638 (7:23:24 PM): yes
my screen name (7:23:43 PM): okay.
my screen name (7:24:05 PM): you're quiet all of a sudden
alarcon93638 (7:24:16 PM): just imagining it
my screen name (7:24:19 PM): lol
my screen name (7:24:27 PM): what are you planning?
my screen name (7:24:33 PM): what do you want to do to me?
alarcon93638 (7:24:53 PM): first thing is what i should have did last time and that eat you out
my screen name (7:25:06 PM): oh really? empty promise???
alarcon93638 (7:25:25 PM): no i hold up my promises
my screen name (7:25:45 PM): how did i taste last time?
alarcon93638 (7:26:33 PM): i dont know i didnt go down on you
my screen name (7:26:46 PM): yes you did.. for like 1 sec
alarcon93638 (7:26:57 PM): hmm maybe youre right
my screen name (7:26:58 PM): wow. that memorable
alarcon93638 (7:27:15 PM): i didnt eat you out proerply
alarcon93638 (7:27:26 PM): so i didnt get a taste like i should have
my screen name (7:27:30 PM): i'll agree to that
my screen name (7:27:41 PM): maybe i can cum this time
alarcon93638 (7:27:48 PM): i hope so
my screen name (7:27:57 PM): me too.. i hear its fun
alarcon93638 (7:28:16 PM): it is
alarcon93638 (7:28:17 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:29:00 PM): maybe you can go down on me this time too
my screen name (7:29:04 PM): maybe
my screen name (7:29:10 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:29:18 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (7:29:55 PM): i could teach you
alarcon93638 (7:29:57 PM): lol
my screen name (7:30:07 PM): hehe
my screen name (7:30:38 PM): brb
alarcon93638 (7:33:00 PM): sheila i have to go right now
alarcon93638 (7:33:11 PM): ill talk to you later, ok
alarcon93638 (7:33:18 PM): cheer up
alarcon93638 (7:33:22 PM): bye for now
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Okay. I know what I did was wrong. How do I get out of it. Sure, I'm horny, but why would I agree to put myself through all the misery I know I'll go through afterwards. I'm not going to go. I've decided.
I tried to ask joe for some help, but he's just ignoring me. He's playing a game and not really paying attention to me. I asked for help, and he's just... not responding and I don't know why. I feel like I'm being selfish with my problems. I shouldn't have to depend on others or bother them. I should be strong on my own right??
I just want to cry and then kill myself.
Don, please call me. I need to talk to someone. 559-909-1377 (cell)
8:11 p.m. - April 05, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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