Why is it that when you're scared, doubt settles into your mind and makes you doubt yourself? I was talking to Shane just a few minutes ago and my job was mentioned, how much I hate it, and the subject of what would I do right now if I got fired. Immediately, I thought of well, time to move in with Shane in Keyes and find a job there and go to school at Stanislaus state. But, I was scared to actually say that.
It's too soon to have those thoughts, right? But I thought them. I told him that I wasn't sure what I would do, probably try to find another job, however, I wouldn't mind taking a mini vacation at his place. We talked more about it and my fear and insecurities were plain to hear in my voice. I wasn't saying what I really wanted to say or meant. He got it out of me and asked why it was so hard for me to say what I really was thinking. I told him it was because of what it actually means and implies. Move in.
He asked me why I wanted to move in. Obviously it's not so I can live in Keyes, but to be with him, near to him. I love being in his company. I love talking to him, sharing moments with him, holding him, being held, all these things and more. I want to grow with him and experience things together. I want to have deep meaningful talks with him about all my concerns and worries without any fear of stupidity or the thought of any type of invalidity given to my concerns and worries.
He told me that I didn't know him that well. So, what makes me think I want to live with him. He didn't say any of these things in the manner of which you may be reading them. He said them gently, and questioningly, not in any sarcastic or spiteful manner. I told him that I wasn't sure about any of those things. This is all due to the fact that we don't know each other well, but we're learning and growing. He's seeing different sides of me everytime we get together. Right now, I'm so emotional because I'm on my period.
Being on my period makes me extremely fragile and the ability for me to get upset is very very high. I hate being on my period. I hate being sensitive to every little thing that I wouldn't normally care about. Small remarks, glances, these types of things can set me off, in which direction, who knows.
From now on, I'm just going to be completely open. I don't want to be scared that I'll scare him away or step on his toes. I don't want to have to be afraid that I'll lose him. I have to be true to myself. I want him to accept me and love me for who I am not what I think he wants me to be. Fear and doubt will most likely turn him away, which is exactly what I don't want. Is there a limitation to complete honesty? Brutal honesty? I'm sure there is. You wouldn't want to hurt someones feelings because you're being brutally truthful. In regards to relationships, honesty can't do you wrong.
Stop being afraid Shelia. Let everything work itself out. If being honest about your feelings and thoughts, even if immature or naive, speak them, to deny yourself of your true nature will only make you unhappy.
2:38 a.m. - May 26, 2004
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