I just spoke with Karen and she's still indifferent towards me. I understand that I broke her trust but, well, there's no but's for what I did. I told OUR older sister about her and Tony's "friendship." She wanted it to be kept quiet and I blurted it out. I felt shitty and I confessed what I had done when I could have kept my mouth shut and gotten away with it. My older sister claimed she had dreamt that Karen and Tony had gotten together. My sister calling me later that day to tell me of the wierd coincidence of that. My ultimate dream is for them to be happy and realize their love for each other already. That's all I really want for her. To be happy.
I apologized. I sent flowers to her work with my apologies. Nothing is good enough. We don't talk anymore. She doesn't care about me. It fucking sucks and all I have is myself to blame. I miss what we had, but, I deserve it for betraying her trust in me. I understand how she feels. Mom did it to me ALL the time. I never confided in her after so many betrayals. I couldn't trust her to keep any of my confidences to herself. She suffered from "blabber mouth syndrome." But, I haven't ex-communicated her. I just don't tell her anything that really matters to me. I love my mom and I can't just not talk to her anymore.
So, I understand what Karen's doing and it sucks. I'll have to live with the monosyllabic answers. The lack of care, sincerity or concern she now has for me. I went over to the house tonight, she opened the door for me, pointed at my mail and went into the kitchen. I politely asked if I may use her bathroom, to which she replied, "Sure." After I was done, I picked up my mail and said my thanks and left. That was it. No, "How are you doing or What have you been up to or How's Shane, your boyfriend?" Nothing. No concern. No curiousity. She doesn't care about me, my life or the things I do and feel. I care about her but I'm too afraid to tell her how I feel. That I miss talking to her about everything. Yay for being a wimp.
What else can I do?
1:27 a.m. - July 16, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
iceelement