drive, what an amazing song. who's going to pick you up when you break?
pretty profound. the lyrics just ask the most basic yet profound questions. can you do things alone? yes. are you supposed to be able to take care of yourself, pick yourself up and go on with your life? yes. you have to love yourself before you can love others, so i've heard. but sometimes, other people help you to see what you fail to see or refuse to see.
i am a good person. i know that i am and stating that isn't in any way conceited. it is a truth. is there a stigma to saying good things about yourself these days? are we not to be true to ourselves or be extremely humble? being humble is a good thing. sometimes verbal reaffirmation is what one needs to continuously feel good about themselves. a person is quick to believe the worst in themselves. to be hard on yourself is a way to show the world that you realize what you've done and that you are on your way to recovery.
some don't see this. constant negativity and self loathing is a bad trait to have. people don't understand why you do that to yourself. secretly, behind closed doors, they do it too. some aren't as verbal or up front about it as you are. everyone goes through this. everyone has self doubt.
why is there difficulty in being yourself and loving who you are? why are so called norms set by those who can't even follow the rules they set? there are many warped views on how one should live their life and on how one should act or look.
this so called norm can only apply to 1% of the entire world population. have you ever seen the twilight episode where this woman is in the hospital getting cosmetic surgery so she could look like everyone else and loose her sense of self. Well, it turned out that she was beautiful after the surgery. model gorgeous. yet, to everyone else she was hideous. why? because she didn't look like everyone else. meaning that the rest of the world had pig snouts for noses and not those perfect slopes that models have in vogue.
there are several perspectives of beauty throughout the world. believe in yourself worth and you won't have to try and conform yourself to other peoples standards. be yourself. it's shoved down our constricted throughts in public service announcements, yet step through the doors of any school in any country and you'll see the truth. you can hear and see the truth. conformity is the game. be like them or suffer. what kids are taught is all that they know, therefore that's how everyone else should be. whether it be by force or humiliation.
parents. they mean well, but they can fuck up your life. not just your childhood, but adulthood as well. emotions and feelings don't flitter off into the sunset because you get new points of views once you're an adult. but you learn and grow and realize that things don't have to be the way they are. we all know that things are much easier said than done. i know the way i act. i know my faults. i am a good person. my size does not factor into whether or not i'm a likeable person or whether i warrant certain types of friendships or relationships. my size is a small part of me, pardon the pun, but there is so much more to being me.
my insecurties are frustrating. ask my boyfriend. on the other side of the mirror, things are different. he sees me. a woman. a woman with long dark hair, kind brown eyes, full lips, full breasts, a round tummy, and sexy, thick legs. he loves me and my body. why do i still have this weird perception of what i believe to be me? I see what i've always seen about myself. i see my immediate family looking at me. watching me eat. my mother telling me that i would look so pretty if i wore makeup, dressed like a girl and if i were skinnier, i could get a boyfriend. my dad, grandmother, brother and older sister would basically say the same thing in their own way. my other sister, karen, is so kind and was kind to me. she was my reprieve from it all. i could talk to her. she wouldn't belittle me or make me feel insecure in her presence. she accepts me for who i am.
growing up with this constant scruitiny is tough. not only do you suffer from the scrutiny of kids at school, but should you have to go home to that? no kid should suffer this way. not all abuse is physical. emotional abuse is the kind you don't see, but has such a lasting affect. now, abuse is a strong word, but that's what it is, no matter what you're intentions are. you have to watch what you say. something so insignificant to you or miniscule in importance can have an enormous affect on someone else.
what is the road to recovery for this type of affliction? i'm not sure. the way i think makes it hard. appraisal can be seen as something you have to say as some humane sense of duty. you're just being kind. i like to say that i'm a realist. i know that i'm fat and ugly. sure, i'm nice, but that's just how fat people are. fat people are supposed to be alone, forever wearing ugly old people clothes. we are ridiculed on the small and big screen, in writing, verbally and in every aspect of our lives. it starts when you're young and vulnerable and learning your own self identity.
we are damaged by the world for being, fat? what is the great harm? is my being fat an insult to you? should it cause you to ridicule or humiliate me? you judge me based on my weight. does weight factor into my sense of self worth? yes, it does now, thanks to you. my daily struggles include my weight. my weight is a constant part of my thoughts every day, all day. he can't think i'm attractive, i'm too fat. i'm not worthy of even being minutely interested in this guy because he's way over my league. i'm fat and should settle for whoever comes along.
why should i live like that? no one should. to expect a life of loneliness, low self esteem, low self worth and general unhappiness is crazy. no one wants that. well, just lose weight. but that isn't the answer. losing weight gets rid of the constant reminder, but your mind and thoughts still have to be fixed. i lost fifty pounds. when i looked in the mirror, i still saw someone who weighed 250lbs. sure, i dropped a few sizes, but i still saw what i wanted to see. i failed to allow myself to see what i was doing to my body. something harmful.
i wouldn't eat. if i did eat, it would be a sandwich, lots of water and maybe a few vegetables. i started to lose my hair. it has thinned out so much. i didn't exercise except when i had a PE class in school. i extreme dieted to lose weight. i was momentarily happy but still thought that life would be better if i weighed at least 160. life would be better when i was skinnier. but that's not true. you still have the same hang ups. the same crazy thoughts. being skinny isn't an answer, it's a health risk for me right now. i can't diet in a healthful manner. i know what i should eat and shouldn't. i know that i should exercise. yet, i try trim spa, slim fast, or anything that will help me "fix" my problem.
my boyfriend is so patient. i love his body, for which he has hang ups as well. he weighs 155lbs. he believes he's too skinny compared to other men. the cruelty of others and our own lack of self worth cause us to be in hurt/tortured mode throughout our lives. he loves my body. i love his. we are both insecure and can't understand why the other is insecure. it's amazing. he was given a book, "feeling good" by david d burns, md. i just bought it. it states:
the good news is that you can rid yourself of anxiety, guilt, pessimism, procrastination, low self-esteem, and other "black holes" of depression without drugs.
it will help you:
recognize what causes your mood swings..nip negative feelings in the bud..deal with guilt..handle hostility and criticism..overcome addiction to love and approval..build self esteem..beat "do-nothingism"..avoid the painful downward spiral of depression.
this time, i'm trying to fix how i think and feel rather than trying another diet. being happy with myself is more important than being a size 10 (my goal). falling under other peoples standards and norms are no longer my goal. i will no longer buy into their shit and insecurties. no more ignoring and thinking that nothing is wrong. if i don't talk about it, then it will go away. it won't go away because at the end of the day, all you are left with is yourself. your thoughts that permeate every facet of your life, your being. you can't turn off your brain for some reprieve. well, you can, but i don't want to die.
10:42 p.m. - August 06, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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