I've been on vacation this week and it's been great. I left Keyes for Fresno and Sanger and I've been occupying myself so I don't have to think about my current situation. I came home, if I can still call it that, and I was in a somewhat good mood. I wasn't depressed or sad, which is a good thing. Shane was here and I sneaked into the house and made my way to my room, shut the door and immersed myself online checking email, etc.
He noticed I was home, scared the crap out of me by busting my door open and shouting, "BOO!" It felt like old times, you know when your comfortable and happy and loved. I felt happy. Deluded, yes, but happy in my own world of denial and avoidance. I followed him into his hideout, the computer room, and chatted with him about my car and myth tv. I couldn't avoid our situation any longer because the strain and distance between us permeated the room. You felt it. You felt the distance between us. Things aren't the same and will never be the same as before. Time can't reverse itself to my so called happy days.
The strange thing about my behavior is the knowledge I have. The fact that I wasn't happy when we were together. The fact that I couldn't do anything about it. The fact that I was deluding myself and allowing myself to be unhappy just so that I wouldn't be alone. Don't get me wrong, I love Shane. I will always love Shane. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. At least not at this point in our lives.
I'm listening to "Fix You" by Coldplay and the song just get's to me.
Fix You - Coldplay
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
---------------------------------------
Such a great song. Why is it that when you're feeling like shit, all the sappy songs come on the radio or the sad movies are playing on TV? Is it that you become more aware of it? Did it not mean the same when you heard it the first time around? Compared to the sorry state your in now? The hurt you feel is being potrayed in a song. The song speaks for you. It lets everyone know how you feel. Someone understands.
That's how I feel. Through it, I don't feel too alone because someone knows what I'm going through. Then the song ends and you're left alone again with nothing but thoughts running through your head. Neverending thoughts streaming different emotions and memories. Why does the mind torture you when you're at your worst?
Life sucks when you're down.
Crazily, I went into Shane's room while he was in the computer room and I got into his bed, our old bed, and I tucked myself under the covers and immediately started to cry because I know that I will never be there again with him. I will never feel his warm body against mine. I'll never wake up to him lying next to me, pretending to be asleep. I'll never have to worry about going to bed before him so that my snoring will abide by the time he hops into bed. I'll never wake up in the middle of the night scared and have him reassure me that my fears were the result of a bad dream. I'll never be comforted in the night, lovingly held by his strong arms. I'll never be there early in the morning sleepily making love to him. I'll never be there.
THIS FUCKING HURTS!
11:47 p.m. - January 13, 2006
Recent entries:
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