quite a few things have been happening lately and the reason i've been neglectful of my diary is myspace. that drama filled horrible website had me addicted. i used it to check on my ex, to check on ben and kelly, etc. it's too drama filled. i posted blogs and it created drama, so, i'm back home at diaryland where i can post in peace and not be given crap about it. a friend posted a blog and she said she was tired of hearing people complain, she didn't point anyone out, but i could visually see my name on her list of complainers. she said she was dealing with alot more crap like death and illness and i understand that. i just felt like i wasn't allowed to voice my emotions. i know that i don't have it worse and i thank god for that, but that doesn't mean i still don't hurt or feel pain. i need to express myself to cleanse myself so to speak. talking things over or blogging them really helps me out. so, i'm not saying sorry for that.
i'll shortly recap whats been going on. i visited steak at his place in tracy. i felt like the third wheel because his gf was visiting from chico. watching them kiss and be affectionate made me think of shane and how much i miss that. crazily, i drove by the house on my way home and i saw heidi's car out front at 9AM, which means she spent the night there. i started to immediately cry my heart out. i couldn't drive. i had to stop down the block and cry. i cried all the way to merced. by the time i got home, i was so heartbroken that i decided to drink. 7 shots in 10 minutes is not smart. i puked 5 times yesterday and i feel like crap. it didn't help at all. especially since i drunk blogged on myspace. a friend called shane and they called steak angry at him for letting me drive home drunk. they are so confused. i didn't drive home drunk, i got drunk at home, i guess they just misread my drunk blog. lol. it's nice to know they care, i think??
shane called while i was out of it. he said something about how he knew it would be akward when i stopped by. btw, he told me not to stop by, twice, so i wasn't going to. i just wanted to stalkerly drive by and see what was going on. he also said that she was there because her parents are getting a divorce and that her place is being painted. hmm. i don't remember what else, but i haven't heard from him since. oh, on my way home from seeing her car out front, i called and left a message saying that maybe we shouldn't be friends and stuff. i don't remember everything because it was a pretty low point for me.
i feel like a total drama queen. why can't i handle this shit? i talked to steak today and he said i should delete myspace and you know what? I DID! he said that this time should be spent trying to figure out my life and to try new things like taking a trip all by myself and just drive somewhere.
i think i will.
10:56 p.m. - February 27, 2006
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
iceelement