it's been awhile. i thought i should come clean about the past few weeks or months, i should say. but, should i really say that i'm coming clean? i mean, i haven't done anything wrong.
so, here i am. living in seattle, wa and loving every minute of it. the first months was rocky. i was lonely, in a brand new environment and i was bitter about my break up with shane and how he's dating heidi now. didn't i tell you? yeah, he's dating the girl who told me to my face that she thought of him as a brother and didn't have feelings for him. yeah right! i always knew, deep down, that she still liked him. i've always been wary/jealous of her. anyways, that's the past. he still owes me money, but that's the only thing i bitch about in regards to shane these days. no longer do i cry over him or dwell over him. i guess when you're miserable you really can't see anything other than your misery. you really don't believe that things get better, but they do. how fucking cliche, eh? but, alas, it's true. things get better as time goes along. who knew?
anyways. i work for princess now and i love it. the job is cake but can be boring and monotonous at times. isn't every job like that? i think it is. i like the fact that you can read, write, play, and pretty much do anything you want at your desk as long as you're professional when answering the phone. i talk to travel agents all day long and sometimes i'll get a direct passenger calling about their cruise. those are the calls i dread. question after question after question. it's rather annoying really.
i digress. counterstrike has really been a savior for me. i know, i know. too geeky. but you know what? i've had the same friends on cs for over a year. i talk to them pretty much everyday and if it wasn't for them, i wouldn't have any friends at all here in seattle. i'd be even sorrier than how i was. i became better friends with a clan mate that goes by the name of kbking. he's such a cutie. but, i'm jumping ahead of myself.
his name is robert. he's a really sweet, kind, cute, generous and funny guy. he was having a bit of troubles back in cali and he needed a place to live. well, me being the kind person that i am, i help people. i offered my place to him. i told him that he could live with me for a month while he found a job and a place to live. well, he took me up on that offer. i really didn't think anything would come of it, but it did.
we then started talking everyday on the internet. he didn't have a mic for cs, but we chatted on cs chat and msn. we started talking as if we had been together for the longest time. like we had been in such a close relationship. we did the whole cheesy mushy *kisses* thing, ya'know? lol. it was crazy. i was a bit worried about that type of talk because when we really met in real life, it was going to be akward. you can really say all kinds of shit online, but face to face is such a different story. i was a bit shy and worried.
as the time came closer and closer, he applied to princess where i work and he got called to interview. i was happy about that because then i knew he wasn't going to bum around my apartment and play cs all day long on my computer. i mean, i do have a better system than what he had. lol. the clan (boys) on ventrilo (vent) were a lil cautious for me. i mean, this is a guy i never met in real life and i was opening my home to him. god know what people are really like in person than how they act online. he could've been psycho. the urged me not to be sexual and keep things business like for awhile and go from there. i told myself that once he saw me in person he wouldn't be attracted to me at all.
i have another cs clan member in everett which is fairly close to seattle and i told him that if i needed his help, would he help me? he said he'd beat his ass if anything should happen to me. i was happy because i felt like i really mattered to the boys. the night i picked him up, i shaved my naughty bits. why? cuz, deep down, i wanted his body even though i thought he wouldn't want me. you never know and it's always better to be prepared, right? well, drama occurred that night, tenfold.
a coworker of mine called me crying needing a place to stay for the next couple of nights because she had gotten into a really terrible fight with her live in girlfriend. how do you say no to a friend in need? i don't. so, she took a bus from tacoma all the way to freaking seattle and i picked her up downtown minutes after picking robert up. he looked different in person than he did in his pics. i'm sure i did, too. he looked skinnier. does that make sense? i think when you're overweight and you see an attractive man, you can't help but notice his weight and whether or not he can handle you. lol. you know what i mean? lol. if you're voluptuous, then you definitely know what i mean. you need someone you can "handle" you. lol.
anyway. not the night i was looking for, but i was happy to have a buffer there. it was nice not having to be completely alone with robert the first few nights he was here. it would have been too akward for me. so, the first night. we ended up just talking. all three of us. eating pizza that made our tummies sick and falling asleep. robert slept on an air mattress i made up for him and indea and i slept in my bed. we giggled like little girls and finally fell asleep. i had the day off, robert didn't work, indea had to be at work at six in the morning. the day was fun. robert and i ended up going to pike place market, the space needle and we walked all over downtown. the weather was horrible. i'm not talking about massive rain, but heat and humidity. it was HOT. i was sweaty. girls, you know how it is when you're with a guy you find hella fine and you want to look good and do no wrong. well, i was a sweaty mess. all red in the face because of the heat and all the walking. i'm a big girl. i don't do exercise! lol!
we came home and hung out. he went onto the puter played a lil cs, said hi to the boys in vent and indea came home from work. we ate dinner and we all ended up sleeping on the same air mattress. but it was hot. so i was uncomfortable even though the situation was awesome. i was sandwiched between a hot black lesbian and a sexy ass white boy. i can't help but smile about it. what a dream come true, eh? lol. so, as the night wore on, i would wake up sporadically hot as hell and had to push indea forward away from me because she was making me sooo hot and sweaty. i was like, move over, move onto the floor. she ended up just getting up and moving to my bed. at this point, i ended up sliding closer and closer to robert. who wouldn't right? if you were in my situation, you would too!! i know you would!
we woke up all snuggly like. i had to tell indea to get up and get ready for work. she left and that morning i was really close to him and he was caressing my thigh... ok. i hadn't had sex since november. it's the beginning of june. that's eight months!!! eight fucking months!! so, what do you think i did? lol. i opened my legs a little bit. what a great decision because he fingered me like no tomorrow. i love being fingered. i love it. i don't know why, i just do. in my mind, it's so dirty and undercover. lol. it's like the whole red and black panty thing. black panties are sexy while red is slutty. which is why i have a shitload of red panties. i like the slutty aspect. although, i do have a shitload of black undies too because i like feeling sexy even though my body isn't up to par.
so, where was i... oh yes, he fingered me. *sigh* i was so wet. i hadn't been that wet since i first started having sex with shane or when i first had sex period, with ben. i was dripping. dripping!!!!!!!! lol! i'm a bit embarassed at my lack of self control, but come on. i'm human and i can't say no. i've always been weak willed and you know it!! you fucking know it!
well, while we talked online before he moved here, he would tell me about how he'd been with so many girls but never really gotten a blow job, a few licks and that's it. well, after he fingered me, while looking horrible so early in the morning, greasy hair and all, i went down on him and sucked him dry. he smiled and i got up and took a shower. oh yeah, i had to be at work at seven in the morning. needless to say, i was late because of the morning activities. i didn't care too much about that. i had a wonderful morning.
well, the next night. same thing. fingering, sucking and 69 on our sides. wow. that boy can eat pussy. that was the first time really anyone really and truly went down on me and stayed there licking and licking and licking and licking. i was in pure heaven!! i asked him if he had any condoms and he said no. well, that sucks. but you know what? after all this foreplay i had to have cock. i needed it. i asked him if he minded pulling out and he said he didn't. okay, stupid me, only thinking about pregnancy and not std's. i make the most dumb decisions in the heat of the moment. i can't believe i agreed to sex with a perfect stranger who i KNEW had had many sexual partners. oh well. over and done with right? no. we had sex again and again we didn't use a condom. *sigh*
i think i'm broken. i couldn't come for the life of me. he tried and tried but it wasn't happening. i wonder if its all just a mental block or i'm not comfortable enough to let go. but regardless, i couldn't come. so, the next night i wanted to try again, but damn my body. i started my period. sigh. yeah. how sucky is that? you want to get your freak on but you cant because you're bleeding out of your pussy. guys don't find that attractive at all and it's just gross. the worst part of being on your period is that you get more horny. it's so not fair. why?? why??
so, i've been off my period for the past two days, but i haven't let on because i'm not sure what we are. i think we're just friends with benefits and i don't know how i feel about that. my worst fear is getting attached and then being left behind while he finds some hot girl. he almost got a number the other night and it made me mad. i shouldn't have been mad, but i was. i want to know what the heck is going on, but i'm scared to ask. scared to be rejected. again. he points out hot girls and i admire them as well. but in the back of my mind, i wonder why i'm not hot too. is it because i'm fat? he doesn't point out fat girls. why is there such a stigma for fat girls? we need lovin too and we ride harder! lol! anyway. i don't know. i'm lost. confused. going with the flow. we'll see what happens. he's affectionate at home. sometimes when we're out, he's not. but then, sometimes i'm not when we're out. i just want someone to love and who will love me in return. why is it so hard to find that someone? tell me. why?
6:12 p.m. - June 12, 2006
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