Ok, so I dont remember what I was talkin about last time, so I'll just move on.
Is love enough?
I've been feeling kinda frisky lately and everytime I ask my "fiance" to make love, he either has a tummy ache or just doesn't want to. We've had many discussions about this. I'm feeling more and more inadequate. I feel more insecure. He says I'm beautiful, when I ask him for a compliment, and that he does want me and love me... BUT, I get turned down for sex about 99% of the time. I can't stand it anymore. I get so frustrated. I just don't understand.
A few times, I'd give him a blowjob and he'd promise me my turn later... BUT, later never comes... Sometimes I'd ask him to come wake me up when he goes to bed, I go to bed earlier than he does, and he never does. He never even makes it into the bedroom. He'd rather sleep in the livingroom!!! That screams at me that he doesn't want me... Yet, he tells me he loves me, etc, etc, etc. Why wont he make love to me? *cries* All the turn downs are starting to make me resent and hate him. Fuck him. I don't need him, but I do. Don't I?
All the turn downs pile on top of the fact that I'm pissed that he hasn't had a job in 6 MONTHS! His reply for that is that he doesn't like working with people. WTF?!?!?! I don't get that either. We almost split up twice, and not even the possibility of us splitting up has pushed him into getting a job. He tells his family that our wedding is going to be next year. How can we even afford that? I can't. He doesn't pay for anything. I don't know what to do.
IF I was on the outside looking at this situation, I'd tell me to leave him and that I deserve someone better. BUT, I love him. I want to help him get better, but he should help himself. Right? I don't think it's going to happen. If I have to be honest, that's what I really think. I don't think he'll get a job. I don't think he'll show me more affection. I don't think he'll give me compliments. I don't think he'll ever try to be romantic. I DON'T THINK.. I DON'T THINK.. I DON'T THINK... we'll spend the rest of our lives together and that makes me sad. He gets me. We have so much in common.. but, I DON'T THINK it's enough. I'm at my wits end.
Tell me... what to do... Things are always so much easier when someone tells you what to do with your life...
6:31 p.m. - November 24, 2007
Recent entries:
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