last night i was talking to jonni about the forums on xtube and how he should check out the meetups page. then i panicked. what if he clicked on the washington one and found me? found my alternate profile with naked pics. i tried to delete my posts but i couldn't so i tried to delete a few pics on my profile, but it takes a day to update. i asked him to not be curious and look. he said he not to worry, but i did. i think he did look at them and now i'm mortified. it's one thing to allow absolute strangers to see you, but people you know?!
see, the reason i have it is because i like to post pics and i like the response i get back from people. if a person doesn't find me appealing, then they move onto the next profile and the people who do find you sexy as hell, comment your page and request you to be their friend. it's a great confidence booster. deep down it makes me a little happy inside to know that i'm not as ugly as i think i am. but i still don't think i'm attractive.
so, i woke up this morning expecting to see a message or any indication from him that he saw my profile. but, there wasn't anything there. i'm too embarassed to say anything. i'm going to try and pretend like it never happened.
oh, the other day jonni and i got into a fight. well, he pretty much crushed my feelings and made me cry. i didn't think i had become as attached to jonni as i had thought. he pretty much said that whenever i talked about my feelings or what's going on in my life, he would pretend to care and not really give a shit. i thought we were friends and i'm pretty sure that friends listen to each others concerns. i was confused as to why he thought we were friends when he didn't give a shit about me. he then went on to say something to the effect that his views had changed and he considered me to be one of his best friends but he just doesn't know what to say or do when someone comes to him with their problems or advice.
needless to say, we talked it all out... i cried it all out.. and after all that.. we had phone sex.
sigh.
i really dont know what the fuck i'm doing there.
i need to find someone who will love me as i am, that i can love in return. i wonder if i'll end up alone forever.
5:01 a.m. - July 31, 2008
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