i decided to venture out and peruse other diary's in the recent public entries area and i've come to the realization that i'm a pretty whiny woman. many other people actually go out and do things while i sit here and be sullen all day long. i use wow as a way to escape life. really sad. now that i know this, will i change?
you see.. i come to realize alot of things about me, my personality, my lack of mobility i guess. i'm pretty much a lazy bastard and i use every excuse known to man to avoid doing the things i should.
i should get a job. get my own place. get a car. get a life. get friends (non online friends). i should get over my insecurities. i should do many damn things. i consciously know about all of these things. YET, i never, never, never, never do anything about it. i just meander through life and when years pass by i wonder or whine about the lack of mobility, productivity, the lack of change on my part. i do nothing. i sit here and rationalize, yet i do nothing. what is my major malfunction? why do i knowingly refuse to make any changes in my life? read all of my entries for fuck sakes. i live in circles. i complain about the same thing over and over again.
what will it take to make me break my stupid fucking life and rebuild the one i want. the one i visualize when i get upset, mad, depressed, overwrought. i think i'm pretty fucked up to have realized my faults and STILL do nothing about them. CHANGE. why am i so opposed to it? why do i want someone to just take care of me and make my decisions.
it's like waiting to hear your winning super lotto numbers, but not having bought a ticket. how do i expect to \"win\" if i don't even take the first fucking step? why, why, why do i set myself up this way?
in regards to finding a job: i tell myself, i will do it tomorrow. tomorrow. i will fucking die before anything happens. i should die in my sleep tonight. if i do, if i fucking die, i hope the people i love and care for know how much i care for them.
mom - even though you made me so fucking insecure about my looks, weight, etc, i still love you with all my heart. be strong and don't play the helpless woman anymore. you're better than that.
dad - i really don't know you well, other than what my mom has told me. i'm glad you didn't raise me. i hope you stay sober and clean until the day you die.
step dad - i hated the fact that you made me feel dirty. i'm so fucked up because of you.
brother - what the fuck? why me? i dont care to know much about you and i'm glad we live states apart. i hope being a dad changes you for the better.
older sister - although we have our differences and i hated you for a long time, i admire you. you're a good mom.
older sister #2 - i always felt you were the lucky one. sure, you weren't raised by mom and sure, you hate her for that, but you are the lucky one. the middle child. the one who made something of herself. how could i not be compared to you? i always have been and always will be compared. i am not good enough to fill your shoes.
bff #1 - i love you. plain and simple. if you weren't in my life, i dont know where i would be. you're my anchor. i am such a bad friend to you, but i want you to know that i always think of you even though i seem so aloof. i'm sorry for ignoring your phone calls. most of the time, i really dont want to hear about your life because its better than mine.
bff #2 - you're knew to my life, but fuck, i really do care about you. as you say, \"you shouldn't care too much.\" how could i not? be confident in yourself. love yourself. i have most of the same issues as you and i know how you feel on some things. be yourself. come out to your brothers. they will love you, you'll see. i love you too. i always will even if our friendship doesn't last another day because of MY insecurities and dumb expectations of you. i had a talk with my cousin and she pointed out the obvious. i have to pull away my feelings for you and just be the friend you need. i love you. you ARE beautiful. don't ever forget it.
WOW.. wtf.. this sounds like a suicide note. right now, i honestly think this was a good thing for me. something to get off my chest. hopefully you wont have to read another word of this bullshit that i think about all the time. i always wonder what my life would have been like if none of the bad things happened in it. hmmm.
12:21 a.m. - October 17, 2008
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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