every so often i think about arlo. i'm not sure why. arlo was this guy i had a crush on in middle school. my second crush ever. god, i thought he was just soooo fine, lol. at the time, i think he found out i liked him and the rumor i heard was that he was going to ask me out but his friends made fun of him for it because i was fat. that time in my life was really the start of my insane insecurities. i'm not saying he was the cause, but that time frame was when i really started to change.
anyways.
every so often throughout the years i think about arlo. (side note = i changed school districts freshman year of highschool to get away from everyone i hated and he happened to go to the same highschool as i and we ended up having a class together the entire time. at first it was intimidating, but we ended up being friends.) like i said, i dont know why i think about him every so often. we didn't have this great friendship, but we were friends. we never hung out, just had a class together all four years of highschool and we always sat near each other.
after highschool, i didn't think much about him until the ten year highschool reunion. i wanted to go so bad in the hopes that he would be there. i contacted the event coordinator to see if he had signed up to go, you had to rsvp, and he didn't. his no show wasn't my deciding factor to not go, but i ended up not being able to get back to fresno to go to the event. not that i wanted to see anyone really. highschool sucked.
last night i was feeling really sad and depressed and i just felt like i wanted to sleep forever. i'm feeling really down and my self esteem is really low. i hate myself right now and i need to do something about it. anyways, he popped into my head before i went to sleep. i ended up dreaming about him. in my dream, i searched and searched for him. i got advice from people on what i should do. i couldn't find him online through myspace, facebook, a general google search. nothing. someone suggested i call cemetaries in fresno to see if he's buried at any of them. my first call confirmed my suspicions. i went to the cemetary myself and tried to confirm as much info as i could and the lady told me the year he was born, the name of his parents, etc. i cried as if he were my best friend in the whole world that i had lost. full body sobs and i woke up puzzled. i dont want to find out that he has passed away, but i'm curious as to why i keep thinking about him over the years. we graduated highschool in 1995. its been 13 years since i last saw him.
i miss him.
9:35 a.m. - October 25, 2008
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