i've soo been avoiding this entry. i dont want to face the obvious truth to what endthelies posted in my notes section. to save you from bouncing back and forth, here it is...
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I'm not going to name all the reasons that it's a bad idea for you to keep seeing this guy because you obviously know them. You already know that he can't promise you anything and you probably even know that someone who goes back to his wife but keep hooking up with you is not exactly a master of committment anyway. But maybe you don't know that there ARE lots of guys out there who'd love you. You're nice, you're sexy, you're a gamer... there are so many people who'd think you were such a catch. You will end up meeting them. You might have met some already. But if you're emotionally unavailable when you meet these guys who are good for you, because you're hooked on someone who's bad for you, then you won't notice them. If you want a happy, healthy relationship then you need to let go of this guy because you need to be ready and open when someone better comes along.
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its one thing to know in yourself that the decisions you are making are wrong, but to have someone confirm what you tell yourself just makes it all the more hard to overlook/ignore, whatev. i constantly think about why i make and continue to make bad decisions. i always wonder why i cant find the right guy, but as she said, i'm not emotionally available and most likely blind to it because of my attachment to the wrong guy.
i couldnt stop wondering if he'd done this with other women during his marriage or if i'm the only one. would it really matter anyway?
i did meet up with him yesterday and he said he was happy to see me and he missed me and we ended up having sex in the backseat of my car. at the time it was fun and i felt like a teenager, but now i can't help but wonder what the fuck i'm doing to myself. do i really want to wait and see if his marriage doesn't work and then wonder during our relationship if he would do the same to me?
knowing the things i know, i cant seem to let him go. why is that? is there some deep seeded conviction buried in the recesses of my skull that says i need to knowingly fuck up all the time? idk, i can be blase and say that life's fucked up, what can you do?
ugh. life's not fucked up. I'M fucked up. but i'm having fun in the mean time???????????
i'm seeing him again this week. he's coming over to watch a movie...
1:57 p.m. - January 13, 2009
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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