this past weekend was the weekend that military guy asked me if i wanted to spend a weekend with him at a hotel in a city that was halfway between where we live. i told him that as much as i wanted to, it was best not to. we were supposed to spend it playing wow and it ended up not happening that way. friday i got on to play and then got asked to do something else which i turned down, but he told me to do it. so i did. oh, but before that, he called me while i was masterbating (and filming it for him) and i was a little bit suprised when he told me to log in when i was done. that was the first time he didn't stay on the phone. saturday morning, he said he couldnt stay on long and had to take care of some stuff and get his oil changed. that was the last i heard from him.
i called him sunday mid morning to talk but he didnt answer, yet again. so i left him a voicemail saying that i officially wouldnt be calling him anymore because its just to hard (i dont know why i didnt complete my thought when i was leaving the message. i meant to say that it was too hard to get through to him. he always says its crappy service, but i've been online with him when he's taken calls from his best friend chad) and then i told him that i would talk to him later.
i sent him texts. nothing. i sent him an email trying to explain my message. nothing.
carla thinks that he's not single. that he is seeing someone. i dont know, but she's planted the seed. i've come out and asked him about that before when i didnt know about his weird work schedule and how he liked to have "brian time" but then maybe that was a front. maybe he is seeing someone else. i dont know. he's known from the start what i've wanted and i know that he cant give it.
when i was in riverside, he said he didnt have time to see me and that he was busy. if he were to drive up 1 1/2 hrs, he'd only have time to say hi and turn around go back home. i dont know what to think. he tells me that he adores me. maybe he tells me what i want to hear so i give him what he wants, blindly. i've sent him three videos of me masterbating. i've sent god knows how many pics (he's sent me a few too) and we used to have phone sex. we used to talk on the phone more than we do now.
when he asked me again if i would go to barstow, again i told him no and i asked him if he understood why. he said, "because its the safe thing to do. because you dont want to hook up until i am ready for more than a hookup. because as much as you want my cock, you want my heart more." i told him that everything he said was true. he's not dumb. he's very good at knowing how i feel. one night he sent me a text at almost 1 am that said, "my tongue tomorrow and never again or maybe me for awhile your choice." then an hour later, he said, "neither?" later that morning (the last i heard from him) he told me he was drunk and didnt remember what he texted me. i tried asking him what he meant when he texted me and thats when he said he knew from the beginning what i wanted and that he couldnt give it to me. he says he wants time to be selfish to do things on his own and not have to answer to anyone. so, i'm wondering if this time of non communication is his "brian time" or if its something else.
so, i dont know. all i can do is wait and see what happens.
9:01 p.m. - May 13, 2009
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