i'm not sure why i do the things i do or react the way i do. i generally felt hurt by a comment, well several comments made towards me. i felt right in expressing my emotions. however, i'm finding that doing so has changed the dynamics of a friendship that i hold dear. have i placed too much on this friendship too fast? yes. yes, i have and i'm paying the price for it.
when arguments or disagreements happen, i mull it over after the fact and then i let go. it's in the past, nothing can be change what i've said or done and only future acts and words will determine how things move forward. i don't hold grudges. i'm not vindictive. i don't hate anyone because hate is such a strong word. i feel disappointment, hurt, anger, loathing and pain. there are only a special few in the world where i can truly say i hate them.
he's acting different towards me. he's acting like the past month never happened. as if we'd just met and are civil towards one another. it feels like he doesn't care the way he used to. before, it felt like he actually wanted to talk to me and always made himself available so that we could talk. he called me by my screen name last night. that hurt a bit. he messaged me this afternoon but i was too busy at work freaking over working all alone for the first time at my new job. i've only worked there for 10 days. i fucked up big time.
i'm stressed from work. i'm stressed from the possibility of fucking up a friendship even though i felt legitimately hurt.
i replied, "you chose someone else," were you meaning to say that i had a chance with you, but only if your gf dumped you? "you cant go from him to me," because you're a dirty slut who needs to get tested. "i still respect you," sounds like you don't when you say that other shit."
he replied, "you're right. i am evil."
*sigh*
he's not evil. he's confused. he's feeling things he hasn't felt in awhile. he is not completely satisfied in his relationship. when i told him that i wish i had slept with him instead of the guy, it was true. i want him. i also wanted to have sex with someone i cared about and trusted. he is unreachable. he already told me that we could never be. unless, his gf dumped him. then he would try dating me but that it probably wouldn't work out because of the distance. all i know is that he's good. overall, he is a good man. he's smart, kind, giving, positive, a great listener, a great Sir, sexy, funny, a gamer, and so much more.
i guess we'll just have to wait and see. i hope that we can go back to how we were as friends.
7:35 p.m. - March 10, 2013
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