I talked to my mom yesterday and she always has this way of making me do what SHE wants. I told her how I was feeling about certain things and she suggested something for which I told her that I would really have to think about it.
I want to do it, but I don't know if I'll be making a rash decision. As much as I hate it here, I don't know if I want to leave now. I have made friends that I'd miss not seeing anymore. But, I can't continue living here. If I do go home, I'll be living with my parents until they go back to the PI. What school will I go to? Student Loans will just have to be a way of life for me if I want continue my education.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to make any rash decisions. It seems that every big decision I make is a spur of the moment thing. Is it ridiculous to make life changing decisions on the basis of not wanting to leave the two friends I've managed to make while living here?? What if Dustin likes me back and I won't be able to find out if something we could have will work. Why should those things matter? Those aren't the big issues though.
If I do decide to move back to CA, it will be next month! NEXT FUCKING MONTH!! I won't have an accessable puter handy to play CS... what will I do?? lol... I wonder if I do decide to move, should I contact Ben for one last shag???? lol... Or should I just have a fling with Dustin?? Offer myself up to him for a few weeks of pleasure then leave?? lol.. i'm crazy... i'm talking crazy..
I don't know what to do. My mother could be planting ideas in my head, but I'm not sure. The idea of going home is too much to handle. Will I be stuck in Fresno for all eternity if I go back? Would that be a bad thing? If I stay, will I be stuck here??? Stuck at my dumb ass job, miserable??
I know for sure that I DO NOT want to attend Fresno State University. I ultimately want to live near the ocean. UC San Diego?? I DON'T KNOW!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! What if I can't even get it?? What if I make the decision to move and I can't get into the college I want because I'm a loser! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Should I even be posting this?
I'm going to take a nap and ponder this situation.
12:44 p.m. - 2003-11-21
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
iceelement