why are things so complicated? when i say things, i mean people. why are people complicated? why are emotions, feelings and honesty complicated things? i'm going through a lot emotionally and i don't know how to deal with it all.
i took a two week vacation. i went to visit my bff so that we could watch nkotb in concert in boston. it was a great time. i also booked a hotel in providence to visit some wow friends and to meet someone off fetlife. the guy from fetlife and i ended up getting together. it wasn't a great experience. it was pretty bad actually. it was a bad decision. it seems that i always make bad decisions when it comes to intimacy. sex. i let myself get used. i didn't hear from him afterward. the next day, i met up with my wow friends who i've visited before. well, one of them asked me for a birthday blowjob. at first i thought he was joking, but he was serious. i told him i'd think about it and let the subject matter drop. later that night when he was taking me back to the hotel, he asked again. i told him he had balls for asking me and i asked him why he asked me. he said that he'd only ever had one before, he is a virgin and he thought that we were friends enough that he could ask me. i couldn't believe i said yes, but i did. why? i don't know. that's all we did. the next day, he acted strange towards me. he would only look at his brothers and talk with them and not with me. i knew it would fuck up the friendship we had. i haven't talked to him since either. what is it with me? what's so wrong with me? why do i let people use me and get hurt when they don't want to at least be my friend? i'm so dumb. i am a total disappointment. i don't know what to do or how to handle my life.
the second week of my vacation was what i was really looking forward to. i was finally going to meet the guy of my dreams! i already knew that he is just a friend and that he is not ready for any type of relationship. although, he did mention hooking up, which i really really really wanted to do. he's everything i've ever wanted sexually and he's also an amazing human being. i can't lie to him. i don't want to lie to him. i respect him too much. i had bruises on my breasts and chest from the guy i slept with in providence. so, i told him about the experience. he was disappointed. he didn't think i'd hook up. he thought i'd wait for him. i know i should have. i wanted to, but i didn't. i think somewhere in the back of my mind, i thought it would help me not fall for him. stupid, right? he also was upset that i didn't use protection. another stupid decision, right? i've made so many.
i felt horrible. i felt like a whore. i felt like i disappointed him and that's the worst feeling ever. over the course of my stay with him, he did allow me to give him blow jobs, finger him, rim him and use a toy on him. all of that excited me. it was almost everything i wanted. now that i'm home, he's acting different. he still talks to me, but not in the same way. i think i've ruined anything we had. i think he's humoring me. he said he wasn't like other guys in that he wouldn't stop talking to me afterward, but the change in behavior he's showing is pretty much doing the same thing.
what is wrong with me? why do i mess everything up? i just want to stay in my room and never see another person until the day i die. sometimes i just can't wait for my life to be over. i hate myself so much. i think i'm just going to give up. i don't deserve love or happiness.
2:10 p.m. - June 18, 2013
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
iceelement