Whelp, I got home yesterday at 10:30 in the evening and checked my caller ID to see who had called me. I wasn't suprised that Ben hadn't called me on my cell, but I noticed that he called me at home around 3:30 in the afternoon. Hmmm. Why wouldn't he call me on my cell?? Interesting.
I was mystified. Dun, Dun, Duuuuunnn. Well, whatever. I had accomplished many insignificant tasks yesterday. Such as, talking to Lucy at the insurance place (she can talk your ear off in the craziest texan accent), picked up my pics from the part-ay on the 12th, took care of that fucking ticket I got from the North Richland Hills police department (fucking jerks gave me a ticket for the light thingy not being on by the license plate. WTF?!) and then I went to Kinkos (erica's work place) and scanned all those pics from the party so I could post them online.
After she got off work, we went to King Tut and ate the most yummiest Egyptian Food mixed with some Greek dishes. Yum! So, we get home around 10:30pm and like I said, I saw that he had called, but didn't call my cell. Heh. I didn't care, but did. So, I get out of my clothes and climb into bed wearing only my supergirl panties! Shhh, don't tell anyone about my superhero-ness. If it gets out and I know you told, I'll have to kill you to protect my identity. I'm serious dammit! (hehehehe)
Anyways, I'm watching Stir of Echoes (that movie freaks me out) and my cell phone started to ring the ringtone I set for Ben's phone number. Doh! Where the fuck did my cell phone go?? I heared it but couldn't find it. It was playing hide and seek at the most inconvenient time. How can a loser ever win? (random al green quote) I couldn't find it dammit. I missed his call and had to call the damn phone myself to find the bitch. Aha! It was hiding under my bed covers. BTW, my room is a huge fucking mess because I'm trying to pack for my move to Cali.
I contemplated calling him back, but was unsure because he had told me previously that I was NOT allowed to call his home number or cell phone. Yet, I figured that since he had just called, it would be okay. But, I was still doubtfull. What to do, what to do. My youthful world was about to fall in. (random skylark quote) So said fuck it, call him back. I called his cell back and the words that are forever uttered by every human being on the face of the earth who talks on the phone, were uttered by us as well.
Hey, what's up? What are you up to? Heh. We've been trained to speak in triviality to get to what we really want to know. We talked "small talk" about LOTR and other shit I don't remember about. What I really wanted to know was why he called my house that afternoon, but not my cell and specifically, what he was going to tell me. He said he called my cell and got voicemail, but I didn't get anysuch missed call or anything. Heh.
He basically said that his answer was a strong and firm, "no." I'm okay with that. So he doesn't want free pookie. His loss. He probably thinks I'm too psycho to fuck one last time. I may become more attached and unable to let go, or some stupid shit like that. Yeah, Yeah, passive aggressive, self loathing, fatal attraction, horny dumb ass, in unsimplified terms.
I ended up getting drunk as well. Peach Schnapps is pretty damn good. It made me more stupid. I don't understand why I get so psycho when I talk to ben. He drives me crazy and yet I want to remain friends and talk to him. Maybe I still have feelings for him and because he doesn't have those feelings for me it makes me crezy (for which he continually reminds me). I tend to fish for compliments because it would make me feel like he still likes me. He does like me and would only say it after telling me in a roundabout way that I never catch on to. I'm not the smartest apparently.
So, he got pissed on the phone, I was pissed, Carla called my cell as I was talking to him and I told her that I'd call her right back because I was still talking to Ben. He said I was making up shit and telling her lies. I just told her that he didn't want to fuck me. Meh. So, I told him to hold on and I ended up calling her three way. OOOHHH, he didn't like that. He wanted to hang up but I told him not to. Hehehe. Drunken decisions rock!! Until you realize afterwards what you've done. Doh! My girl was mean to him. hahaha. She was like, how come you don't want to meet her? Why is she drunk? This and That and This and That. I was like, oh shit. hahahaha. He was like, I'm gonna go and I was like, NO and he told me not to say that again. So, I said that he could go. Fine.
I went to bed upset and contemplating why i'm soo fucked up and crazy. I hope that when I do get into a relationship, I don't act psycho. I think it's just him that makes me act this way.
WTF.
ps -- my steam doesn't work. fuck fuck fuck.
2:27 p.m. - December 18, 2003
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