I called Remy today and it seemed that we both felt a bit akward on the phone. Not really knowing what to say or what was appropriate. We kept the conversation short, he was at his dad's work and really couldn't talk. After our conversation, I felt like shit. I really like him and I hate that we can't be together. I still understand his reasoning behind the decision, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
He called me later in the evening and it was still akward. He asked me if I would be online later on in the evening because it would be easier for us to talk online rather than on the phone where we are scared of saying the wrong things. I called him and told him that I would be online at a certain time and we ended up chatting for about two hours.
We talked about the night we made love and how he felt disappointed in himself for allowing it to happen, even though he didn't regret it at all. I told him that all I wanted was to kiss him and be selfish and try to savor every moment I could with him until he left for law school. Why has fate done this to me? Am I destined to be alone forever? Will I be shown happiness only to have it taken away? Maybe there's someone out there who will be better, but what if there isn't? This sucks.
I wish I could make love to him everyday and have him hold me. I want to kiss his soft lips, see him smile and gaze into his hypnotizingly brown eyes. He told me that he couldn't live knowing that he's pained me or caused me heartache but that he would tell me this much, "there were no words to describe making love to you, it was simply amazing." He melts my heart. I told him that I wished I could have kept him in my bed forever. I just realized that he asked me if when I first lost my virginity, if I had used a condom and I told him yes. What an absolute lie. Why did I do that? It just came out. But, I've been tested and all is good. Why? Why did I lie?
Here's part of our convo:
alarcon93638 (10:15:46 PM): well in any case, i told him that i wasnt so much looking as much as i was lonely, and i just chatted with you, but you just came out of nowhere, and then i met you and thats what happened, i found an amazing woman
me (10:17:06 PM): yes.. but after realizing the type of attraction we have towards each other, there's just no way to avoid being hurt even if it isn't as hurtful as it would have been later on
(THIS REFERS TO HIM TELLING ME ON THE 2ND DATE THAT WE COULDN'T BE)
alarcon93638 (10:17:33 PM): true, there was no avoiding the hurt
me (10:17:45 PM): who knew this would happen??
alarcon93638 (10:17:51 PM): i didnt
alarcon93638 (10:17:57 PM): did you?
me (10:18:04 PM): no i certainly did not
alarcon93638 (10:18:09 PM): there you go then
alarcon93638 (10:18:16 PM): victims of circumstance
Damn fate! Why did I let myself fall so fast for this guy? After our first date, we seemed to click and I had no idea that this situation would ever come up.
me (10:18:59 PM): so where do we go from here? do you not want to talk to me anymore? can we be friends and still see each other?
me (10:19:40 PM): i don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do
alarcon93638 (10:19:42 PM): i think i could answer the question of the purpose of human exisntece alot easier
alarcon93638 (10:19:46 PM): lol
me (10:19:47 PM): lol
alarcon93638 (10:20:15 PM): truthfully i have no clue
alarcon93638 (10:20:48 PM): what i want is the direct oppposite of what i can allow myself to have
me (10:21:45 PM): so what does that mean?? tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it
alarcon93638 (10:22:29 PM): i think its easier to ask what would make it easier for you
me (10:23:17 PM): no it isn't. I know what I want and I can't have it. I think I may subconciously try every way possible to get what I want even when I know the circumstances.
alarcon93638 (10:23:51 PM): yeah i know
me (10:24:09 PM): so...
alarcon93638 (10:24:18 PM): so how was your day?
Obviously, we're both having a hard time.
12:01 p.m. - February 03, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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