I was going through some of my emails... yeah, I do that when I'm bored/lonely/depressed/wanting a good read? and I came across this email I sent to Ben...
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i hate to think negatively. i hate to think about all the things i was told. it hurts too much to remember. why do i reflect upon the things that make me miserable. can't i just ignore it and be happy. i remember those words. after the intensity of it all, i remember those words echoing inside of me. why do i let myself drown in misery. i wish i could forget those words and live in ignorant bliss. would i be better off if i were ignorant of the world and the hurt it brings? i read that those who seek fulfillment elsewhere - in fame, power, wealth or whatever - find substitutes for real happiness. so what else is there? what's the point? i can wish for all the things i want, but i'll know that i'll never get them. i should be crazy for making wishes. they never come true. but i still wish.
i can't smile. it hurts too fucking much.
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Hmmm... that was an interesting mood. I'm obviously better? *snicker* Yeah right. I can hide it better??
Right now. At this very moment, I am thinking about Ben and how much I miss him. ( i like to go in circles. it's fun and if you get dizzy and throw up, that's fun too, right? )
Right now. At this very moment, I am listening to www.3wk.com. It's amazing underground internet radio. I'm thinking of donating to get a T-shirt. We'll see. I'm low on funds at the moment and I'm looking at the reason why. *gazes out the window* damn car...I love it enough to fix it. sigh.
Anyways. Here's a quick recap of my trip to and back from Corona.
Day 1 - The drive down -
I drove 4 1/2 hours at an average speed of 85. I did touch into the 100's a few times.
I flashed someone my boobs. He drove in a silver mustang. We were approximately in Glendale. I sucked on my finger and made sexy faces at this lucky individual. Then, I accidentally merged onto Hwy I5 when I was supposed to stay on 271. Oh well, getting lost is fun.
We get to Corona, my cousin (who's only 16) wants to hook up with this boy just to mess around. She gets horny, too. Weird, but yeah it happens. So, Carla and I are parked in closed park waiting in the car while they sneak off and do what horny teenagers do. Hey, she isn't my kid. Two cops come up and shine their bright lights into our car. They take our licenses and do a check. The horny kids are being talked to about disturbing the peace, loitering, etc. The other cop tells me that I have a suspended license due to owing child support.
Hmm... I don't remember having a kid. I think I would remember, wouldn't I? I laughed at the cop, who's dead serious, and tell him that I've never had kids at all and I don't know what he's talking about. He says, it doesn't matter, I can't drive and that I need to take it up with the DMV. At this point, I'm laughing and pissed at the same time. Now, I have to deal with the DMV!!! Do you know how scary that is in itself?? lol.
Day 2 - The drive home -
I can't drive. I don't want to drive. I instead read my book, Jemima J, and listen to what carla says with one ear. She hates that. hehehe. So, we're driving, bored out of our minds, because some road trips are just horrendous and torturous. She dares me to lift my shirt to this CRX, where two unoblivious guys are just driving down the freeway. I agree. I lift my shirt and she drives off. We're giggling and are amazed at my courage. I normally don't do stuff like that.
They catch up and gesture that they didn't see anything. So, we slow down to the same speed and I do it again. The guys smile and are happy morons. They saw me in my bra. Yay? I immediately go back to reading, I'm good at ignoring unwanted attention, and they do this drive thing and try to get our attention. I let carla deal with it. Apparently, they wanted to talk to us. So, the driver is trying to give us his cell number, but the idiot doesn't give us his area code.
Maybe he thinks that we all have the same one? What a dumb ass. So, we try to give him Carla's cell number, definitely not mine, and they are so stupid, they don't understand what we're doing. So, we just drive off into the sunset. lol. What idiots. We were able to ditch them. So, that was the drive back. I got home, and collapsed into bed.
-- Today --
I woke up before my alarm went off which was 8:20. I took a two minute long piss, really it seemed that long. I get back into bed and start reading, but then I get sleepy and take a small snooze. I wake up again at 10am to find the house empty. I told myself to do laundry, take a shower and then go online. I bet you can tell what happened. Yeah, that's good. (gives her best ladies man impression) I got online first. FUCK laundry! Ahahaha?? LOL. Yeah, I gotta go and be a responsible person.
That's no fun.
10:36 a.m. - April 11, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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