being happy is hard work. is that how it's supposed to be? being with shane is hard and easy at the same time. we go through so many different emotions, sometimes within the same day.
i can really love him and show so much affection, but it only takes one little comment to turn it all around. grumpiness and pouting ensue. how to let it roll off my back? i'm not sure. sometimes pms is the cause of my over reaction, but sometimes it isn't.
i've found that i've been getting sad again. thoughts of smoking and drinking bacardi all by my lonesome have come back. i don't want to do it. i don't. that was a bad time for me. drinking by myself, getting drunk and just going to sleep. why do i feel this way? i'm with someone i love and i still feel sadness. what does this mean?
does it mean that nothing can save me from myself? is this me fucking up something good? i don't know. but, things aren't the greatest. i hate admitting it, but it's true. there's frustration in the relationship and it's all in my head, maybe. sex isn't important in a relationship but it's a big factor right? or am i selfish to think that it has no weight in a relationship? with someone you love?
what i mean to say is that, sex in the beginning was great. i came up on the weekends and we'd have sex at least five times. i felt sexy and when we were together during those times, i felt special and loved. i thought that when i moved in with him it would be like that all the time. don't get me wrong, i love him and he loves me, tremendously, it's just that sex has gone downhill. god, i hate admitting that.
i wanted everyone to think things are perfect, when nothing really is. i've learned so far that you have to work at your relationship and that nothing comes easily. you're having to live your life in conjuction with someone else who is completely different from you, but has some of the same qualities or likes.
well, sex right now is once or twice a week, sometimes every other week. i would like to make love at least four times a week. he thinks that's too much and i just don't understand that. he has add so it's hard for him to concentrate at times. when we have sex, we experiment, that's not a problem. the only problem i have is that he's selfish in bed.
this scenario is how it usually happens... we're snuggling in bed and I initiate 90% if the time, i'm touching is body, caressing him and then i start with a hand job, if he's agreeable to having sex then i go down on him and suck his HUGE dick. pleasuring shane turns me on so bad. i get wet just giving him head and then we fuck. we start in missionary, then go doggy (my fav) and we're fucking and he's hitting the spot, but it takes a bit of work to make me cum, but because of his add, he can only concentrate so much, he ends up coming first.
i have no problem with that if you take care of me. however, most of the time, he'll be too tired to help me out. i always end up masterbating and going to bed frustrated. i hate having to do that. i've told him about it and it still hasn't changed. i don't know what to do. i'm trying not to put much emphasis on it, but i can't help it. i'm repressing it and hoping it will go away. that loving him and being with him is more than enough and that sex isn't a big deal. we'll work on it and someday it will all be great.
i know it will.
7:59 a.m. - November 01, 2004
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