I've finally gotten around to writing in this damn thing. Hopefully, I'll keep it updated from now on.
Well, Robert still didn't get a job. I finally had to keep my word and I asked him to move out Feb 15, 2008. Yep, the day after Valentines day. He wrote me this letter...
"Its now been a year since i've asked you to marry me, throughout this year we've had some up's and downs.
We've had our fights, we had our difference's. and through all those, i still love you as i did when i
asked you to marry me. I've said everything is going to be ok, though nothing ever gets done, makes me
feel more like the failure i am. Its now thursday, which gives me only a few days to find a job, but i cant
even concentrate on that, all thats on my mind is that i'm about to lose the greatest thing thats happened to
me since i was brought into this world. I feel so depressed, i'm tired, i feel like giving up again, but then
i see how this is affecting you, and it sadden's me more, all i do is make you stressed, depressed, and tired
aswell. I dont know what to do, i stand at a fork in the road, and i'm clueless which road to take. Wether to
let you go, and let you get someone which is deserving of you. Or to take the road to keep trying to find work
and continue to get let down by employers who say i am not quilified for anything. I know you have already made
you decision for me to leave. tho when that happens, i prolly wont come back, its hard enough thinking of facing
your family or mine as the failure i am. If i dont find the work, the last few days will most likely be the last
we spend togeather. This is gonna hurt to read, its making me cry jus writing it, but i cant express myself in words
so i have to write it. I love you shelia, know that."
OMG - My heart is broken. Everything in our relationship was great except for this one thing... Why couldn't he get a job? 7 months had gone by and nothing. He said he applied, but still, nothing. He says he get anxiety attacks and doesn't like working with people. I tried to give him tools to help him. I gave him an anonymous toll free number to call to speak to a therapist type person. I brought home books to help him study to get a GED. I tried everything, but nothing ever changed. It hurts me so much that he would jeopardize our lives over this. I still don't understand the problem. My mom thinks he was just using me. Maybe he was, but I truly don't think so. Am I deluded?
We still talk every few days on the phone, but it isn't the same. I told him that I would wait a year for him to do whatever it is he needs to do. He's living with his mom and grandma right now. He's back in Crescent City with all the jerks he tried to get away from. He did tell me though, that he hasn't smoked weed since he got there. I'm super proud of that. I was worried. I guess I have to stop "mothering" him and let him be on his own. If he makes it, then great, if he doesn't, well fuck. Am I crazy to wait for him?
2:18 p.m. - March 02, 2008
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