OK, so i've doing my best to try and not be so, hmmm, attached/clingy/emotional towards jonni. i dont text him as much nor do i call him. i let him initiate contact because i dont want to feel like i'm trying to insinuate myself into his life so much.
he posted an ad in craigslist looking for a friend and maybe something more. i'm super happy that he took that step to get out there and meet someone. this guy contacted him today and wanted to meet up TOMORROW to carve a pumpkin. i guess you're pretty limited to what you can do when youre twenty. whatever. so i'm super happy. i'm nervous for him and i want him to have a good time even though he says that he's not physically attracted towards this guy. oh, he also talks to this 16yr gay kid who idk, looks up to him maybe? he mentioned that he's demeanor and certain behaviors are cute and adorable. i guess my sadness stems from the fact that i dont get his attention anymore. he never complimented me. UNLESS, i was upset. then he would say stuff like i have this cuteness factor. i dont know. its kind of like when you ask the question, "does my butt look big in these?" you set that person up to give you the answer YOU want.
in my heart, i feel that jonni doesn't think i'm cute nor would he have had phone sex with me if i hadn't initiated it. he said he had fun, but he now sees the consequences of it. i'm now attached. i hate that i am. i wish that i weren't, yet i can't turn it off. i struggle and tell myself to fucking chill and not care. its hard. i wont lie.
i feel like some fucked up woman ya know? i'm 31 and play a computer game. my friends are all guys under the age of 22. i became attracted to a 20yr old gay guy. he used to say he was bi, but its obvious that he's gay. he now says he's gay. bi never leaves his mouth anymore. i feel like screaming over this insanity.
what i need is a distraction. i need to meet guys my own age that like the same things i do. i also need a fucking job. i need a life outside of this room. i'm feeling jealous of jonni. he's trying to do things outside of his comfort zone and i just get jealous. blah. i will slowly get over this. i have to. ffs, i have to.
4:11 p.m. - October 24, 2008
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