the other night military guy and i had a talk about past sexual experiences. this is the type of conversation that i hate having. i want to know, yet i don't. i don't want to know about his sexual past because of my own insecurities. once i find out the number of past experiences and i feel its a big number, i feel insecure about my own abilities to satisfy. i start to feel that i can't possibly compare. yeah, i know. i am truly fucked up and need some sort of psychiatric help. lol.
he know's how many men i've slept with. i told him there were five but i've never gotten into the 5th man on my list. the teacher. i don't want to hide it but i feel somewhat, ashamed? embarassed? deceitful? i don't know. i've talked about the first four and had hoped he had forgotten that i said i'd had slept with five men. he know's that my fourth was my ex fiance and he's a smart man and asked me if the guy that i had told him of here in las vegas was the fifth man. i don't lie about stuff like this, yes i tell white lies, but that's about it. so yeah, i told him. i didn't go into detail other than to say that we had sex in the teachers car. i didn't think that he needed to know all the other drama.
i feel deceitful. why?
we're not dating, just talking. we've never even met, yet i feel this way. why?
well, i like military guy. he makes me laugh. me makes me smile. he turns me on like crazy. but, i want to be cautious. i don't want to make a stupid mistake. i don't want to rush, yet i do. he want's to take things slowly and i respect that.
last thursday we sent dirty pics to each other. friday, we talked a little bit but he didn't talk to me at all on saturday. sunday, i saw him playing on his server and i started to talk to him and he kinda acted stand offish? i'm not sure if that's the word i'm looking for, but, he seemed distant. i logged off his server and played on mine and he didn't follow, nor did he text me. he knew i was upset at his lack of communication, especially since i had sent him those pics.
a little back story...
we started talking in decemeber. we met through (don't laugh) datecraft (it's okay, i laughed for the both of us) and he pursued me. i talked to him on the phone for almost five hours one night. then we texted here and there and emailed each other. but if you remember, i was also emailing the student and the teacher. i liked military guy, but i dunno, i talked to the teacher more. the student, too. the student and i ended up not having as much in common and the only thing the teacher and i had was sex. but, i told military guy that i wanted to give local guy (the teacher) a chance and then i told him that i found out the teacher was married. i was ashamed to tell him that i already knew.
anyways...
military guy is more complex. he's divorced and has a son. honestly, i'm normally freaked out about dating people who have kids from past marriages because i don't know how to act around kids and the ex wife will always be there. i know i'm jumping the gun on that type of thinking but it's something i've always thought about. i don't know if i'm making sense. it's late. anyways, it doesn't bother me. at all. which is great. i'm starting to feel this pull towards him. i look forward to talking to him because i love talking to him. i love how he makes me feel. i'm scared that it's not real. i'm scared to hurt him because he told me that he had only had feelings for one person ever, his ex, for 10 years and now he has feelings for me and it scares him. he also told me that he wants to take things slow because he needs to work on him before even allowing any possibility of us because he doesn't want to mess things up. well, after alot of talking, he really wants time to himself. he needs his selfish time. which is exactly what i did when i moved to las vegas. i took my time finding a job and i just fucking played wow everyday, all day.
i understand what he's doing, what he wants. i got mad at him last weekend because i didn't know that's what he wanted when he got home from work. he works on an island during the week and comes home on weekends.
(ok, back to the story)
so thursday, after having talked to this guy since december, started talking dirty to each other last month and now finally sending pics, he stops talking to me. i of course start thinking about all the times he did that when he got home from the island. THEN, i started to think about the teacher and how he would only talk to me when he wasn't home. so sunday, he texted me about how he knows i'm mad and that he didn't want to upset me further but he wasn't trying to avoid me and blah blah blah. i didn't respond at first and he texted me more and said that part about liking me and it scaring him. i replied back and told him if he had aim or messenger so i could type instead of text and he said he would log into my server.
i pretty much just came out and told him that i started to look back and saw a trend that reminded me of the teacher and i flat out asked him if he had a gf or someone he was seeing that would make him act the way he was acting towards me. talking me to when he walked his dog sometimes or a snippet of time here and there when he was at home, but when he was at work on the island, he would talk to me all day long, everyday.
he said he didn't and he said he could understand how i would assume that, but he went on to tell me that he goes home and just wants to be alone and have his selfish time to do whatever he wants to. i of course was somewhat skeptical. we talked in vent and he told me that he wasn't seeing anyone and that it had been over a year since he was with someone last. i believe him. i really do. it's hard to trust people sometimes when the cost is your feelings, your heart. but you have to trust. you just do. yesterday he told me that he was gonna have a brian day today, but he still called me this morning. so, now i know not to expect any contact from him today and i'm not upset about it. he's doin his own thing.
he makes me happy and i told him that i'm holding back. he knows that i put alot of creedence into meeting in person because you can act and feel a certain way when you talk on the phone or text or email, or whatever. i have to know that he'll be attracted to me in person and i he. so, we'll see. he said he wont visit me until my parents leave for the phillipines. lol. i told him that it wouldn't be until july, which is good for both of us.
i hope everything works out.
1:33 a.m. - March 13, 2009
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