i should know better. the result is the same every time. i know that i'm not pretty. i know that. why do i care. i shouldn't. i'm used to it. i've had to deal with my insecurities all my life. elementary. jr high school. high school. college. work. every place i've ever lived. i deal with it. i deal with people making fun of me. giving me weird looks. just last week i was with robert at a bar and we were on our way home. a drunken man looked right at him and pretty much said it would take robert 48 drinks in order to be drunk enough to take ME home. i didn't care. he cared. i dont know why. he went back and beat the guy up for disrespecting me. but, he didn't disagree with the drunk.
i've kinda hinted several times about my appearance being not up to "par." and he never said, "no that's not true." he never said anything. i've grown attached and i don't know what to do. in my heart i dont think he feels the same way about me as i do him. why is it that i always make dumb decisions that hurt my heart in the end? today, i said something about being ugly and again he didn't deny it. he didn't say anything. while playing cs, he called me a nade spammer. defensively, i said, "what, ugly girls can't buy nades?" he replied, "not more than one."
that set me off. it was like the nail driving it home. i had to leave the apartment and go for a walk. i was so hurt. i'm still hurt about it. i finally came home over a half an hour later and he cleaned the apartment. i apologized to him for my behavior but neglected to say what it was about. that it was something i'm used to but have to deal with. i told him that i was extra emotional (period) and that i didn't mean to ignore him the way i did. he wanted to know what it was all about, but i just couldn't tell him. he accepted my apology and smiled and told me to come to him, but i just couldn't. i'm still hurt.
he says he thinks he knows what its about, but he STILL doesn't say anything. i want to feel beautiful. i want someone to love me and make me feel like the most important and beautiful person in the world... i dont think that it'll ever happen for me.
why do i care? i'm 29 years old and i've had to deal with my looks for so long. i should be used to being ugly, right?
7:39 p.m. - July 07, 2006
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