In a weeks time, I've managed to get extremely mentally fucked up.
she hates me. he is indifferent towards me. I've grown attached to him and I didn't mean to. Why do I care about these two people so much? I just wish he were cruel towards me so that I can sever whatever feelings I feel towards him. I don't love him, do I?
I think I'd know it if I did. I extremely like being his friend and I liked the one time we had sex. I like talking to him but it seems that he could care less if we remained friends.
He told me that if she and I were to become friends again, we could no longer be regular friends or secret friends. I told him today that he wouldn't like this revelation but that I've become attached and he said he knew that would happen. I asked him to tell me that he hates me and that he never wants me to call him again and that that would make it easier for me. I started to cry, damn period making me extra emotional, and told him that I wouldn't call him and forget him and said my last goodbye.
I fucking hate this. I didn't want that to happen. I still want to talk to him. I don't know what to do. I still want to be her friend, but it may be hard to see him when i'm around her IF she'll even have me as a friend.
WHY ARE THINGS SO FUCKED UP?
People were right when they told me that sex complicates things. I grew distant from her because I liked the attention from him. he and I had sex and now everything has fallen apart.
I fucking lost my virginity just to be fucked with in 7 days. I wonder if that's a record. Lose your virginity, the guy is indifferent and can't decide whether or not if he still wants to keep you on the side. I'm left hanging and wondering. I can't take it. Lose your only other friend that you have because of your stupid emotions and sexual urges.
After all this, I still want him. I want him to fuck me senseless. Why do I have to have my emotions involved? Do you have to have sex with so many other people in order to become indifferent? What do you have to do to become detached and just have sexual fun?
I don't want to marry him. I want the freedom to do whatever I want with him whenever. Yet, he doesn't want that and I know this. So why do I continue with this line of thinking? Am I truly that fucked up to where I shove reality to the back of my mind and try to forget it? Live in my own fucked up world where I get hurt? Why would anyone do this to themselves??
2:07 p.m. - 2003-10-06
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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