Well, I'm here in fresno, CA. I don't know what I expected, but I didn't expect to feel like I've moved backwards in life. Coming home is soothing to my soul. Carla is here, my family is here, but then again, my past is here. I remember now what my main reason for leaving was... to move forward with my life and try to start anew.
Fresno and DFW are drastically different. It's refreshing to see such diversity here. However, when the majority of the population is a minority, it means that it will be poor. I never realized what a small, poor city this is. I miss the vastness that is DFW. I miss the variety of activities available to everyone. With a large city, you're more able to be an individual. There are countless stores or places that cater to all sorts of different types of people.
Here, there aren't many places to go other than out of town. I do like the fact that I can drive a few hours and be in a big city like San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, etc. Don't get me wrong, Fresno does have its rich suburban areas that cater to the more conservative fresnan, but, it just doesn't compare to the metroplex. It's more rural here. I don't really hate it here and I realize now that I really didn't hate it there. You make the most of your situation wherever you are. The choices you make influences what actions you take.
I actually miss Texas. I think I mainly left to feel what I felt when I grew up here in fresno. Which is my past, my childhood, all the experiences and love I had here. But, really, you can have that anywhere if you allow yourself to have it. My mindset was to hate Texas because no one I loved was there. So, I didn't really allow myself to love anyone new there. Sure, I had friends, but I didn't have any real close friends. I'm the type of person who prefers to have a few really close friends to having countless social friends.
All I know is that my stay here isn't permanent. In 6 months I will have moved on from here. It will be nice to revisit my past, but it's definitely time to move forward. Fresno is not the place I'm supposed to be.
7:43 p.m. - December 22, 2003
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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