I'm not really sure what to write. I feel somewhat ignored and always alone. I could be surrounded by people and still feel alone. How is that?
I haven't seen Remy once since we had sex. I wonder if that will be a trend in my life. Hmmm. We have talked a couple of times on the phone and we discuss meeting up, but then it never happens. He always has something else going on. I think he's sincere and I don't think he's lying to me. This kind of reminds me of the last time I had sex.
Sure his dad was in the hospital. Sure his mom needs him to drive her places. Sure he has to take care of his dad's business. Sure he has to take his brother to school in the morning. Sure he has to play tourist guide to his relatives that just came to the states.
Sigh. The insecure me (99.9% of me) thinks he's making up all these things so he can avoid me and I'm just not getting the hint. YET, when we talk on the phone, he really seems to be sincere and wants to see me. We talked last night and I kind of mentioned that my room mates may leave for the weekend leaving me the apartment to myself. He didn't comment on it. I also mentioned that my parents may be leaving for Vegas to spend their anniversary gambling. Unfortunately, they've decided not to go. Oh well.
He suggested I stay in Fresno and reap the benefits that is the Tower District where my uncles lives and maybe we can see each other this weekend. He said that he didn't want to make any false promises because he's so busy with his family and stressed out. I told him that I understood, but I was still disappointed. He said he would call me today, but he didn't. I knew that he wouldn't. Every time he says he's going to call me, I end up calling him and we only talk for about 30 minutes.
When I'm on the phone with a guy I like, I try to talk for at least 3 hrs. You can ask Ben. I did that shit to him all the time. He fucking hated it. I have this need to know that I'm wanted and I never know when I'll be able to talk to him next, so I like to keep him on the phone. But, he always has to go.
I'm sad. I'm alone. I'm tired. I'm bored. I want my life to end. I want my new life to begin. When I moved to Texas, I thought I could start over and be somebody new. You can't really do that. You always end up being your same old self, just in a new surrounding with new people.
Sigh. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I'm just typing what ever comes to mind. I want to see Remy. I want to fuck Ben. I like Remy. I like Ben. I don't know what I want. I want to go to school. I don't want to go to school here in Fresno because I want to start over somewhere else even though I'll end up the same. Lonely. Alone. Bored. Tired. Depressed. Reclusive. Introverted. Shy. Chronically Masterbating.
12:12 a.m. - February 12, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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