I do have friends or do I? I don't know. I told a few of my friends on CS about what happened with Remy. I told them what I said I'd do and I couldn't believe, still, that I had agreed. I don't understand why I said yes. I just don't get it. Why? Why would I??
Today, I decided to call Remy and tell him that I changed my mind. He didn't answer his cell so I left a message. I basically said that I didn't know why I agreed to meet with him for sex and that I don't want to go through what I went through last time and that I had thought about it and that I just couldn't meet with him. I also said that maybe we could just hang out and have a coffee or something.
I haven't heard from him at all. He didn't call me back or IM me. I guess that's a good thing, but I feel bad for telling him that I didn't want to see him. Why do I even feel bad? God, i'm so fucking complicated.
This morning I checked my email and started up yahoo messenger to find some messages from Ben. I was um, okay, I was extremely happy that he sent me some IM's even though I didn't know what they were about. I read them and was suprised to find out that he cares for me. Is that the right term? I don't know. Here's what he said::
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
macglauvin (11:27:32 PM): I've secretly been reading your online diary when I said I wasn't
macglauvin (11:28:18 PM): because I still care. and I'm sorry things are not great in your life. and if I knew you really cared I wouldn't have told you about that other girl.
macglauvin (11:28:45 PM): I'm still jobless so at least you've succeeded in one way I have not
macglauvin (11:31:07 PM): anyway... I'm just leaving you too many offline messages now.... I still cherish and remember the one time we had together. You gave em someting no one else ever has and most likely no one else ever will. I always have a place in my heart for the memory of you. I just hope you are not sorry for what we did... I'm not. I wish I was a better friend to you. goodnight..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wrote back stating that I'm glad he cares and that I wish for things to be the way they were. I know that's wrong, but it seems that when we were messing around, I was soo happy.
ooOO I find it kind of funny and I find it kind of sad that the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had OOoo
...sigh...
I kind of wish I didn't say no to Remy. I'm horny, but in the long run, it would be harmful for me to even go there.
ooOO Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am home again ooOO
I'm depressed again. fuck. I'm listening to my sad, lonely, depressed CD I made. I haven't told you in a while, but I've been smoking about 7 cig's a day. Bad, I know. It's just become part of my routine. I'm trying to cut back.
ooOO I will always love you. I will always love you. ooOO
You were my first...
Anyway, I'm still trying to talk to Joe, but I'm not sure if that's something I should do. I talk and talk and he gives short answers. I know that he's really depressed because he and his girlfriend did break up. So, I guess I just have bad timing with guys. I wonder why that is. It really fucks with me and I hate that.
Oh well. I'm rambling, so I'm going to go read now. BTW, i'm reading Jemima J. A great book I can already relate too. Plus, the main characters crush is "Ben Williams." I swear!! Creepy, huh?
9:37 p.m. - April 06, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
iceelement