It's been awhile since I've updated this thing. Normally, I update this sucker like some crezy woman with no life. Heh. What a loser!
I have some news. I'm kind of "talking" to someone. His name is Shane Owens. I know I know. Don't get your hopes up because they may be dashed, yet again. That's what you're saying and you're right. I agree. For some reason I'm feeling different. How to explain. Um, I really like Shane (is really spelled that way? or is it spelled realy? god, this is one of those moments when a word you spell a million times looks weird. hmm.) and we have the most amazing conversations. We talk about anything and everything. We have a few things in common, for example, playing computer games, friends (Sam and Nick, my two new friends and yes they're married and no, don't go there. ty.) and he has such compassion and understanding. He's so sweet, sincere, smart, funny, and sexy as hell.
I really am attracted to him, but, I feel different. I think I'm a little on guard. I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to have to go through all the fucked up shit you go through when you jump before you think. You know where I'm coming from, I know you do. I don't want to be cautious but it's something my brain and heart is doing automatically. I want to fall face first into this and fuck the consequences, but then I don't. Why is this so complicated? Do I make it complicated?
We've seen each other twice, oh and this is another issue. He lives 1 1/2 hrs away from me. If we do move forward from the stage we're currently in, meaning talking for hours (i'm talking an average of 6hrs) online and on the phone, it would be hard to see each other on a regular basis. We both drive cars that are gas hogs and living in the state of california means you have to pay at least $2.09 for cheap gas. I can't believe I said what I said the other day. I said, "Oh yeah, $2.09, that's cheap!" Can you believe that? I said that price was cheap! WTF! That is not cheap! *sigh. shakes head*
Anyway, as I was saying. I like him alot. I was going to drive to his house, where he lives alone in an actual house, and just comfort him. We were talking and then he started to eat a certain dish that reminded him of his mother who recently passed in a major car accident and he just got really sad and depressed. God, can the world be anymore fucked up? Why do we have to go through all kinds of suffering and unhappiness? Not on just this level, but every level? Why? I don't understand it. Does building character and inner strength have to be so goddamn important? I mean, come the fuck on!
Sorry, I'm easily distracted lately. We all go through things that make us suffer is small and extreme ways. No matter what, we are impacted by the trial and tribulation. Okay, I'm sorry. I'll stop. I will. I won't talk about that shit anymore.
Moving on...
I really like him. I want to be happy.
"I want somebody to share, to share the rest of my life, share my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details, someone who'll stand by my side and give me support and in return he'll have my support. He will listen to me when i want to speak about the world we live in and life in general though my views may be wrong, they may even be perverted, he'll hear me out and won't easily be converted to my way of thinking, in fact he'll often disagree, but at the end of it all he will understand me.
I want somebody who cares for me passionately with every thought and with every breathe. Someone who'll help me see things in a different light. All the things I detest, I will almost like, I don't want to be tied to anyones strings. I'll carefully try to steer clear of those things. But when I'm asleep, I want somebody who'll put their arms around me and kiss me... tenderly.. "
What would we do without Depeche Mode and David Gahan's beautiful lyrics? Thank your favorite writer for helping the public to understand deep thoughts and pure emotions. Thank them also for enabling us to describe things we other wise be unable to voice and convey on our own.
Well, I'm going to see him saturday night and we're going shopping for a birthday present for nick and sam at hot topic when I get off from work. Then we will go for a drink and talk and then off we go to the Coops. I want to stay the night and snuggle with him, but I'm not going to invite myself over because that would be rude. However, he was thinking the same thing. sigh. I want this to go well and I don't want to be an emotional zombie or be jaded in anyway.
All I want is to be happy, to love and be loved unconditionally all at the same time. Is that too much to ask?? I don't think so.
Go see Shane. He's cute and nerdy!
5:30 p.m. - April 29, 2004
Recent entries:
solitude - March 31, 2014
Je suis triste... - June 28, 2013
I thought I found what I always wanted - June 25, 2013
oh you delicate heart... - June 18, 2013
all the small things... - May 21, 2013
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