Last night, I had another nightmare. He was watching a porno of him and some girl he was dating, fucking, whoever it was, she was prettier than I am. She was skinny, blonde, beautiful body and she was getting the kind of attention I've always wanted from Shane. He was doing things to her I wish he had done to me. It made me angry and upset. I was extremely hurt.
I woke up crying. I couldn't believe it. I cried. I felt like sneaking into bed with him and having him hold me and reassure me that he only loved me and that it was just a dream. How fucked up am I?
I just got home about 10 minutes ago and we were talking and I brought up how I was upset the other day and I apologized. I told him everything. I was upset about the dream, and the girl he was IM'ing and it happened to be HEIDI! I hate her! The one girl I've always been jealous of. I told him everything. I came right out and asked him if he was ready to get back together and of course he said no. No suprise there. I just like to torture myself. I asked him if he missed me like I missed him and I started to cry. I immediately left and he said something, but I just went to my room and closed the door.
He asked if I was okay and I said that I was fine, but I'm sure he could hear my sniffles. It's been a few minutes now and I just heard him leave the house. (sigh) I probably caused that.
6:49 p.m. - January 24, 2006
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