Well, I have to fess up to something I did that was very bad. Jack if you're reading this, don't hate me.
Last Tuesday, I went over to my friend K's house and helped her and her husband B clean up his office. Really, it's just a spare bedroom with his computer in it. After cleaning it, K and I read Enders Shadow to each other. After awhile, it got kinda boring and I told B to get his Nintendo out so we could play Super Mario Brothers. Old Skool games rock!
Anyways, we started playing that and K made us some drinks that were way strong. After two drinks, I was totally buzzed and fucking up the game big time! lol -- playing video games drunk, rocks! So, after I beat the game, B sucks (hehehe), we decided to play Super Mario Brothers 3.
After beating that game as well, hehehe, we noticed that K fell asleep. So after the game I asked him to show me his counterstrike game that he loves to play. It was really cool. I like the fact that you have a mission and you get to kill people. It's fun to see all the blood that gets sprayed around.
I digress...
So, it's like 5 in the morning and we're still looking at computer games and then I told him that I was tired and that we should go to sleep. We both had to be at work at 3pm that day. But, I told him to leave the computer on because I might end up reading some slash. He told me to go ahead and read and that he would just watch me from the bed. After looking at several sites to determine what to read, I started to massage my own shoulder muscles because they were getting very tight.
-- at some point during this time he told me to take advantage of him and I told him that I couldn't do that --
He saw this and got up to massage my shoulders, neck and back. It felt sooo damn good! After awhile, he stopped and he had to go to the bathroom, I think. So, he left and I ended up lying stomach down on the twin size bed to let him do whatever he wanted on the computer. He came back in and ended up ( I really can't remember every detail but I think this is right ) laying on my back and then slid to the side of me next to the wall.
He rested his head on his hand and we looked at each other, talked and just layed there. I asked him if he was comfortable (sometimes your hand starts to hurt when you're like that for too long) and he said he was okay. But, I told him to lay on his back and get more comfortable. So he shifted positions and I scooted closer to him and snuggled right on in. I had my head on his shoulder, my face in his neck and my leg intertwined with his. We layed there for a while and it was heaven to me.
I really didn't care that his WIFE was in the other room. I could hear his heart beating fast and I put my hand on his chest. He said he should leave and all I could do was nod my head but neither of us made any move to leave. I don't remember how we shifted positions, but I ended up back on my stomach facing somewhat away from him. He kinda spooned me.
Well, I could feel his hard on pressed against me and he started to caress my back, under my shirt while I was bra-less. It felt soo good and ticklish at the same time. He pressed and rubbed against me and I backed into him. I was completely turned on. He ran his hand down my ass and cupped me from behind. Then he slipped his hand under my jeans and panties and grabbed my ass. It felt so good. I was EXTREMELY turned on.
He kissed the back of my head and murmured something about fantasies, I really couldn't focus on that. I was in the moment. I was pure feeling. He said he should go and I agreed because I didn't want to go any further even though I easily could have. I'm glad he had the strength to stop. He got up to leave at which point I started to take off my pants for bed. He saw this and came back and caressed my legs (I think that's what happened next). I can't remember if he tucked me in, but at that point I told him to give me a kiss. I was expecting a kiss on the cheek, but he kissed me on the mouth.
Tongue. I felt his soft wet tongue in my mouth and I was turned on even more. We kissed, or he kissed me I should say. You should know diary that I've never kissed before and didn't really know what to do. I let him take the lead. He licked my lips and sucked on my bottom lip and I was a goner. It felt soo good. After the kiss, he got up and sat down on the floor. At this point, he said that he was completely shaking and couldn't stand. At this time, I could feel my body shaking as well. I WANTED and NEEDED HIM!
He got up and went to his bedroom and I heard him get into bed. I know for a fact that he sleeps naked. Then I heard him get up and go to the bathroom and then go back to bed. After awhile, I had to go to the bathroom as well. I got right back into bed and then I felt his hand on my shoulder asking me if I was ok. I told him I was fine. He sneaked his hand under my blanket and raked his hand up my leg from my ankle. He was going for my goodies and I had to stop him. I wanted him to touch me there, but I just couldn't let him do it. I put his hand on my chest, not breasts, but chest and he leaned his head on my shoulder and mutter something about human nature. I consoled him, I think, and ran my fingers through his hair. He got up and went back to his room.
After awhile, I heard him "taking care of business" for himself. This as well, was a complete turn on. Hearing him pleasure himself. I had to pleasure myself as well. I was turned on without release.
The next morning was akward for me. I felt guilty for doing this to my friend and with her husband no less. K made us some breakfast and I felt terrible. I don't want to hurt her. I think that I'll be distancing myself from them both, but not in a cruel manner. I'll just say that I'm busy and stuff. I mean school starts on Monday anyways, so I'll legitimately be busy. I don't want to do that, but I think I must. My friends think I'm crazy and tell me that he's taking advantage of me. That he knows I'm a virgin and wants me for that reason alone. He's a player and doesn't inted to leave his wife. I don't want him to anyways. If he were to leave her for me, he would just cheat on me the same way. How am I to know if he hasn't done this already with someone else while married to k??
Here are the emails we sent each other that day.
Hey,
Well, I'm emailing you. I really don't know what to say. I felt a tad akward this morning, for which I'm sure you noticed. I am not upset at what happened, but, I feel guilty because K was in the other room and we were in her parents house. I know that we had set boundaries to our friendship and aknowledged the underlying intimate subtexts, but, we completely crossed those boundaries. It is so easy to do what you really want when you're drunk. I really don't want to hurt K. I'm not sure what to do or what I'm feeling.
What are your thoughts about last night? All I know is that I couldn't sleep because I was so turned on and had to take care of business myself. I want you so bad, as you well know, but I'm glad that I stopped, or we stopped before it got out of hand. I can't help but feel extremely guilty for what I did. I know that you were drunk, but I was sober and I still allowed things to progress. I don't know why I do that. I can't seem to help myself. This is where you need to be strong for the both of us and not let things get out of hand. You are married to my friend. What we did was soo wrong.
Well, it's 2:06 and I really need to start getting ready for work. I'll hopefully hear from you tonight. Sweet dreams.
ps -- Was I terrible at kissing?? First time y'know...
He wrote:
You weren't required to say anything specific. I just told you to email me so that you wouldn't try to ignore me out of your life. Funny how you say that K being in the other room made you feel guilty. Guilt should be more universal. K being in the other room should only be adding to the fear of getting caught. We stopped before things got carnal so don't carry too much guilt. Boundaries were definitely crossed but I think that's human nature. Drinking had some to do with it but alcohol doesn't invent desire, it only makes you more apt to act on it. I think you know exactly what you are feeling. You want something that it would be wrong to have. It's the classic battle between good and evil. The good path is a hard road, frought with peril and temptation. The other road has no rules and you can do whatever pleases you- even though it may be wrong. This is not a new thing, humans are faced with moral choices every day.
In a sense I really enjoyed last night. I wanted so much just to persuade you to go farther. Ultimately I felt that you would give in if I was persistant so maybe I purposely gave up right before your breaking point. The suspense was very erotic. I ended up taking care of my business at some point. Fantasies are so much hotter when the potential reality is only one room away. I know it's important to try and keep things on the up and up but it almost feels sure that there will be another lapse at some point. Maybe we will resist forever, maybe not. I can't see the future. We know what the 'right' tune sounds like, we just have to play it by ear as best we can.
Sweet dreams,
PS- Kissing- not bad. A bit less bold than I'm used to. Not like I'm any kind of authority though. Lots of people like lots of different kisses. Bottom line- I would be happy to do it again, it's just that whole commitment thing that stops me.
6:53 p.m. - 2003-08-23
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